The best thing about sex is being able to boast about it afterwards, but who believes you? The new I.Con condom can positively identify your sexual partners and it costs only 59.99!
We have all been there, haven’t we? We finally get to have sex with Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie or both, but when we go down to the pub or club nobody believes us. Now the problem is solved with I.Con (yes, it is really called that).
So how does it work?
Just like any other condom you put it over your penis, then insert it into the orifice (any orifice will do). The outer membrane of the condom will then analyse the DNA structure of the surrounding tissue. The DNA code is then transmitted to a central data center where everybody’s DNA structure has been recorded (along with their names, address, social security number, passport number and facebook address). The data base is a joint venture between the CIA, NSA and Britain’s GCHQ.
But how does this help me?
GCHQ is located at Wuthering Heights, near Harrogate in the middle of the Yorkshire moors. The staff are so poorly paid that they can hardly afford a pint of Tetley’s Bitter to warm them up during the Winter Blizzards. They always welcome a bit of extra cash from Britain’s tabloid newspapers. So, when a celebrity DNA arrives at the Data Center they immediately leak it to the Mirror.
Suppose your name is “Nerdly Nobody” and you have sex, wearing an I.Con, with the world’s most famous used to be couple. Next morning you are sure to find “Nerdly has a Jolie time” and “Nobody has Brad in his Pitt” as the newspaper headlines. Fame at last, you’ll get free drinks all night at the pub.
Here is the blurb from the manufacturers “Britishcondoms” (we did not make this up):
Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?
Welcome to the future of wearable technology in the bedroom. Welcome to i.Con.
i.Con is the worlds first smart condom ring and will be available in 2017 from British Condoms exclusively.
We are sure there’s a lot of questions you have, so, we’ll run through the frequently asked:
What is i.Con? Is it an actual condom? Is it reusable?
No, i.Con is not an actual condom; it’s a ring that will sit over a condom at the base, which you can use over and over again. It is extremely comfortable, water resistant and lightweight, you won’t even know it’s there ensuring maximum pleasure and, peace of mind that you can choose any condom you wish to use in conjunction with the i.Con.
How does it work?
Utilizing a Nano-chip and sensors, i.Con will measure and remember a number of different variables during your sessions. Once your session is completed, you will then be able to use the i.Con app to download your recent data which is paired to the device using Bluetooth technology. Once you have downloaded your data, the i.Con will automatically clear its memory making way for your next session. It’s extremely simple to use.
What about charging the i.Con
The i.Con has an integrated micro USB port so you simply plug the i.Con into your computer or mains and charging will take approximately 1 hour.
How long does the charge last?
i.Cons energy efficiency is incredible, so each charge will last approximately 6-8 hours worth of ‘live’ usage.
What does i.Con do with its data? Can I use it anonymously?
Absolutely! All data will be kept anonymous but users will have the option to share their recent data with friends, or, indeed the world. You will be able to anonymously access stats that you can compare with i.Con users worldwide.
How much will the i.Con cost?
The iCon will retail at £59.99 and will carry a one year warranty. It will be available to purchase on Britishcondoms.uk only initially, but given the huge amounts of interest from retailers around the world already, no doubt i.Con will be available in stores worldwide.
So what are the main features i.Con will record?
i.Con will record:
- Calories burnt during sexual intercourse
- Speed of thrusts
- Total number of thrusts
- Frequency of sessions
- Total duration of sessions
- Average velocity of thrusts
- Girth measurement
- Different positions used (currently BETA testing – will have more info in a release coming soon)
- Average skin temperature
What about size? Will i.Con be available in different sizes?
i.Con can be adjusted to suit everyone’s girth using the band adjustment feature. The band adjustment will allow you to flex the ring to the correct size for you ensuring maximum comfort.