On Friday night 5000 young Brits attended a Whites Only beach party on Ko Farang Baar. By Saturday morning they had all disappeared. Hundreds of thousands of desperate parents flooded the British facebook pages with calls for help. Some claimed that they had not heard from their children in more than six hours.
Shortly before the disappearance Dan Braindead, a 21 year old heavy weight boxer from Liverpool, told his distressed mother that he was “disorientated” after drinking two bottles of Mekhong whiskey the night before and was “frightened” that he did not have any money left to buy more. Sam Vicious, a 22 year old Paratrooper on leave from Afghanistan, told his mum that he was “stressed” after a bar owner had “threatened” to stop serving him beer unless he paid his bill.
The British Papers soon picked up the story. The “Daily Panic” led with “Gota get the kids home” while The “National Hysteric” said “Send a Gunboat”. Shills working on Reddit put out the story that the Brits had been captured by a North Korean submarine.
The Embassy said it was concerned that there might be terrorists hiding out on Ko Farang, and added that they could do little to help as all their staff were needed to protect the Embassy compound from suicide bombers. The Jimmy Savile Foundation said it could only help with children under 12 years of age. The British Society for Responsible Parenting said it was irresponsible to let any children, under the age of thirty, leave home alone.
Ko Farang Baar is an Island in the South China Sea which is inhabited entirely by white people under the age of 25. Prompted by requests from Scotland Yard, local police landed on the island just before noon. What they saw was horrifying. The 21 year old Sid Bonkers from Leeds was found on the beach lying unconscious in a pile of empty beer bottles. Bill Putrid, from Bristol, was found twenty metres further on. He was curled up in the fetal position cradling an empty rum bottle and complaining that he was very thirsty. John Wanker, 22 from Birmingham, was discovered stark naked under a table at the beach front “Drippy Doolins” bar. He asked for another beer and swore he would pay for it tomorrow. Seven others were found groaning and lying in pools of vomit on the bathroom floor of their hotel. The other 4,990 were found at the local airport looking for flights to “Ko Farang Kee Nok” in the Andaman Sea.