Scientists have discovered that anyone who reads more than three sections of Thailand's new constitution will die of boredom. These finding are based on an experiment conducted by Prof. S. Dementia of Babarbabor University. He studied 100 Army conscripts who had “volunteered” to inform villagers about how to vote in the forthcoming constitutional referendum. The Professor found that 20% of these subjects fell to the ground and died before finishing the first section, 70% died during the second section and only 10% got to the third section before they succumbed to a terminal grand mall seizure. The 137 page constitution will be the twentieth since 1932.
People have asked Prof. Dementia how it was possible for the Constitution to get written, but he explained that each section had been written by a different author and that each author was only allowed to read the preceding section.
Despite the fact that nobody has read it, millions are expected to vote on whether it should be adopted or not. The referendum has deeply divided the nation with voters vehemently for or against it. The forthcoming vote has even sparked acts of terrorism by the notorious Minne Mouse gang of eight-year old schoolgirls and monkeys.
Private Tye asked member of the public about how they would vote. Prasit Peabrain said he would vote “no” because his wife's best friend's brother had a degree in economics and he said it would be bad for the economy. Noi Nincompoop said she would vote “yes” because somebody on Reddit said that the new constitution would stop Yingluk from singing stupid songs. Daeng Dimwit said he would vote “no” because a columnist in the Daily Fibber had said that all the experts agree that it would be bad for the country; when asked who these experts are, Daeng said he did not know: when asked if the experts had read the constitution, he said he did not know that either, but the Daily Fibber was always right. Mae Mercenary said she would not be voting because nobody had offered to pay her to vote, this is Thailand she said “No money no votie”
The real story from Khaosod:
To election officials tasked with vigilantly enforcing a draconian referendum law, it may have looked as though the forces of man and nature conspired against them.
Macaque vandals, teen mischief, destructive weather and even a coffee marketing campaign left grim officials seeking recourse over the weekend against forces largely out of their control.
First, two Mathayom students in Rayong’s Klaeng district were caught Saturday shredding and burning a voter list posted near a community building. The two middle schoolers became the second pair of students charged with violating the referendum law, which penalizes vandalism of voting equipment.
Then rain damaged a voter list in Ratchaburi city, where recent storms left the distinctive pink documents faded beyond recognition. Locals told reporters they were puzzled as to why officials had posted important documents under the open sky.
In Pichit province, the defenders of the pink papers were left with no one to punish Sunday after an onslaught of more than 100 monkeys at a temple where people will vote in the Aug. 7 referendum. Their simian assault annihilated the voter list pinned there. It also proved somewhat ironic as officials have deployed Hanuman, the Monkey God, as their smiling mascot.
“Some of them carried the papers away like they were mocking the police and the people chasing after them,” local official Chatchawan Suksawasdi said. “So we couldn’t catch or do anything to this monkey pack.”
All told, five of 15 documents listing names of local voters were destroyed, along with 10 papers detailing voting procedures.
Pichit police chief Jaruay Pholprasert said he couldn’t have seen it coming.
“It was an incident beyond all reasonable prevention,” Col. Jaruay said.
And finally, alarms were briefly raised in Si Saket province when keen-eyed local authorities spotted dozens of small flags proclaiming “Tick No” dotting a road there.
Gov. Thawat Surabal immediately ordered an investigation, as any campaign to “mobilize” or “mislead” the public to vote for or against the proposed constitution is also illegal under the referendum law.
The investigation came to an end after officials realized the flags were in fact promotinga coffee brand called Ga No – a localized reduction of “Americano.” How could that pose offense? The word “Ga” means to tick a ballot.
Nevertheless, governor Thawat said he’s asked the coffee producers to suspend their campaign to avoid any further misunderstanding.
“I have asked for the cooperation from the manufacturers of said coffee to stop any PR activity for their coffee brand temporarily,” Thawat said. “Because it’s misleading and risky in the period when we’re preparing to vote in the referendum.”