With the nation experiencing the worse drought in history, temperatures reaching record highs and the North enveloped in smog which makes it dangerous to breathe the air, some members of the public have begun to connect these events with deforestation. In response to this CCCP, the countries largest agro-industrial conglomerate, has declared that it is going to be the Saviour of the nations environment. Private Tye talked to Venal Fookdahtrees, CCCP's public relations manager.
Private Tye: Khun Venal, CCCP is now asking farmers to stop deforestation?
Venal: Yes that's right, and we are sure that they will do what we ask because there are no trees left to cut down.
Private Tye: None?
Venal: Just a few poking out of rocks, but none on land that can be used for crops.
Private Tye: What happened to the trees, were they cut down by illegal loggers?
Venal: No, of course not. All the hardwoods were illegally logged thirty years ago. These trees have no value as timber so the farmers just burn them. But, come to think of it, blaming illegal loggers is not a bad idea – I wish I had thought of that earlier.
Private Tye: So what did happen?
Venal: The trees were cut down to plant maize (or corn, as the American call it), just like the Maya civilization which disappear overnight when the rains failed.
Private Tye: This must have been a lot of work for the Thai farmers.
Venal: Actually, the trees were cut down and corn was planted by Shan and other ethic minority migrant workers from Burma.
Private Tye: So what did the Thai farmers do?
Venal: They drove pickup trucks full of Shans, seed and axes into the mountains. Then, five months later they drove back to collect the crop and deliver it to us.
Private Tye: Of course, they have every right to do this because it is their land.
Venal: Actually, its not. The land has slopes of more than 30 degrees which means that it can not be privately owned in this country. The land belongs to the nation. The Thai farmers just pretend that they own it.
Private Tye: Still the poor farmers must have made a big investment in this.
Venal: Again, not quit right. We gave them the seed, and we gave them the pickup truck deposit money, also, some cash to pay the Shans; the condition being, that they had to sell the crop to us.
Private Tye: Does CCCP's new policy mean that the company will no longer buy maize from the mountain areas?
Venal: What an absurd idea. We will continue to buy all the maize, but do it through our dummy companies. In the 1970's (the last time anybody could check) there were more than 150 companies in the CCCP cat's cradle of companies, now there are thousands. The only person who knows the names of all of them is Danny Boy our Chairman; and nobody has seen him in years. There is a rumor that he died and has been replaced by an android owned by Morgan Stanley.
Private Tye: What are the CCCP plans to encourage farmers to grow coffee instead of maize.
Venal: Coffee? Yes, that's a good one isn't it. As you know, coffee grows in high mountains with permanent mist, not maize country. You can grow coffee if you plant it under shade trees, but they have all been chopped down. However, the public are so stupid that they will believe that coffee can grow everywhere that maize does. We will be starting a show project, a couple of acres somewhere next the road. We'll irrigate the coffee from an artesian well, and put up a big sign saying “CCCP Environmental Project”. Then invite the press to a grand opening. We might hire a few unemployed Bangkok factory workers to dress up in hill-tribe clothes and open a gift shop. Then, pay off a few tour companies to bring visitors, they love fake agricultural projects more than waterfalls. We might even get the BBC, they adore contrived environmentally friendly rural development projects. You know, biogas and all that stuff.
Private Tye: What will you do with the coffee?
Venal: Oh, dump it at the side of the road. Irrigated coffee is far too expensive, cheaper to buy it from Brazil.
Private Tye: What about educating the farmers in environmental responsibility?
Venal: Yes, we have that covered. This is always a favorite with people who have never worked with farmers or worked in education. Professors from Easygown University will be visiting the North to lecture village heads. Lots of food, lots of beer, lots of Press coverage. We might even get a few papers in the academic journals, this does not cost too much these days. Also, we are active on the web and have hired dozens of shills, through Upwork and Freelancer, these will be putting our message out on bulletin boards such as Reddit.
Private Tye: You seem to have thought of everything.
Venal: Its been nice talking to you. Here is our press kit, how much do you want to publish it “word for word” in your magazine?
Private Tye: About 50,000 baht should cover it.
Venal: Fine, here is your cheque. A real pleasure to do business with you.
Private Tye: Thank you very much, Khun Venal.
The deadly “senile dementia” virus is spreading rapidly through facebook's closed local communities. When infected with this virus, community members will, literally, believe anything. Facebook's closed local communities are the virtual equivalent of the gated communities that have spread throughout South-East Asia since the cost of retiring to Benidorm or Florida became prohibitively expensive for members of the European and American petty bourgeoisie.
Gated communities are very much like the cantonments that were set up on the outskirts of Indian cities during the days of the British Raj. Away from the teaming streets, the cantonments provided a place for whites to live peacefully without being bothered by the natives. In Thailand these gated communities are called “Moobahns” and the people who live in them are called “Moobahnians”. The Thai word “moo bahn” means “village”. Which is ironic considering that the last thing a resident in the Wayward Pines Moobahn wants to see near his house is a Thai villager (unless the villager is cutting the lawn).
BBC and CNN cable television tell the Moobahnians what they need to know, and what they should think about international affairs, but do not help them deal with the natives that swarm around their compounds like Hollywood Indians round a wagon train. So, the Moobahnians have built themselves a virtual world on facebook to match the physical one. They have names such as “Chumphon Caucasian Community”, people who want to join the community are vetted to make sure they are Caucasians and not Muslim or anything.
Moobanians on facebook, like their British Raj antecedents, are not very bright to start with. In addition they tend to be very old, it is estimated that the average age of a facebook local community member is 86. They have very little knowledge of anything beyond their compound wall. On facebook these old fogies form tight knit groups that reinforce their own prejudices and imbecilic beliefs. A perfect petri dish for the senile dementia virus. Plus being old, and nearer to God, they think they need to do something to compensate for a pointless life of self indulgence. This, of course, makes them the ideal target for a Phishing attack.
Its easy enough, any boy can do it. In fact the average Chinese 12 year old (or an American 18 year old) has sufficient computer skills to pull off this scam. Just make a website clone of, say, the Chumphon Evening Gazette, (which normally carries banal features about local road closures and special offers at Tesco - stuff the old fogies love). There is even a software tool that will do this for you. Into the clone you insert an new element: somebody's daughter/best friend/pet hamster has been robbed/injured/raped by natives, and is now in jail/hospital/the vets, please go to http://www.scamhosters/givemunny.com. Here the fogy will be asked to make a bank transfer to Connery Scamman to help pay medical bills/hire a lawyer/buy a ticket to fly the animal home.
The postings on facebook go something like this:
“You will be horrified and disgusted to hear that Wendy's little hamster has been raped by a group of natives.”
“that's terrible, poor little thing with pretty eyes and cute ears”
“These people are utterly vile, why anybody would want to visit this country is beyond me”
“Little Wendy must be devastated, please do what you can to help her send her pet home”
Any member that tries to point out that a hamster is just too small to be raped by humans, will be instantly assailed:
“that's what makes it so terrible”
“these people are devils and capable of anything”
“you do not know anything about this county, I've been here for 15 years and know that hamster raping goes on all the time”
If anybody asks who Wendy is, the response will be instant vitriol.
“Admin: Don't you know that Wendy's identity needs to be protected from the paparazzi, I'm deleting all your posts”
Sometimes the editor (and sole employee) of the Chumphon Evening Gazette, wakes up from his drunken stupor, logs on, and finds out the paper has been hacked. He informs the Caucasian Community and the Admin, reluctantly, takes down the linking post. However, by this time, a member, Ruth Rodentlover, has already sent money to Connery Scamman. Fortunately, Ruth is too embarrassed to report the fraud to the police. Normally, of course, the editor does not wake up and the scam goes on indefinitely and hundreds of old fogy hamster lovers send money to Connery for the benefit of non-existent Wendys and non-existent hamsters.
With the paper editions phased out, the owners of local newspapers will soon replace the washed up drunks, who edit local newspapers, with Microsoft's new AI. The Microsoft Chatbox “Tay” (which learned to a be a Nazi on Twitter, in less than 24 hours) has been developed into a newspaper editor. Tay learns from readers comments and from their postings on facebook. Tay then selects copy, that her readers will like, from the news agencies (the wire). If there is nothing suitable on the wire, Tay will freely invent stories and news to please her readers. When Tay has replaced the editor of the gazette she will soon learn, and become a fogy fascist that loves furry animals. Phishing will then be so much easier. There will no longer be the need to make a cloned page, Phishers will just send the feed directly to Tay and she will instantly know that this nonsensical begging story is exactly what her readers want.
So, what is to be done if you see an obvious scam being perpetrated on a facebook group? Do not, under any circumstances, try to warn them – you will just get spat at. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the farce; or go Phishing.
The Gauliter of Mai Chang told reporters yesterday that the poor air quality in the Northern capital was the result of too many people breathing the city air. If people can be encouraged to breathe less, or find their own air, the problem can be solved. Deforestation has nothing to do with it, he explained, the idea that trees produce oxygen is pseudo-scientific nonsense put out by the same crackpots that say the polar ice caps are melting and global temperatures are rising. The municipality will continue to chop down road side trees to build bicycle lanes for recreational cyclists, he continued.
At a press conference in city hall it was announced that Mai Chang will adopt a Chinese style solution to the air quality problem. In China, at weekends, city dwellers go up into the mountains to breathe and buy bags of air to take home. Mai Cheng will do better, and soon, citizens will not need to travel up the mountains for a lungful of air. Under a new scheme, there will be con-men dressed in hill-tribe clothes selling plastic bags of air at the roadside. The air can be collected by Shans when they are doing the annual burn (editors note: the Shans from Burma do all the agricultural work in the mountains, they cut down trees and plant corn for absentee Lanna landlords, who do not actually own the land because with a slope of more than 30 degrees land can not be privately owned)
The new air vendors will be able to set up their stalls in bicycle lanes, which can be found throughout the city and which nobody uses because, with the shade trees cut down, it is too hot. The new business will, however, be closely regulated and every vendor have to pay a license fee to the Mai Chang Clean Air (Cayman Islands) Foundation.
The press conference was brought to an abrupt end when the Gauliter fainted from heat stroke. The air-conditioning in City Hall broke had broken down due to an outside temperature that exceeded anything on record.
Just when you were beginning to think that all young men in Thailand are idle, soft good-for-nothings, something happens that restores your faith in the younger generation. Three days ago hundreds of young Thai men sat on their backsides overnight in Siam Square in order to be at the front of the line when the Addhisarse NMD R1 (a shoe) went on sale. This was an epic adventure reminiscent of Jason's search for the golden fleece, a towering achievement that has brought forth words of praise from all over the globe.
From the Vatican the Pope sent a message praising the Addhisarse heroes for “a truly selfish and pointless activity that is an inspiration to people everywhere”. He has mentioned the heroes, and their shoes, in his prayers.
The Dalai Lama was soon to follow. He said that by becoming completely self absorbed, the heroes were well on the way to enlightenment. He added that the path to Nirvana cannot be traveled without a pair of good shoes.
Banksie Moon of League of Nations was delighted that, in a world being torn apart by civil strife, Thai youth was doing something really positive to distract people from the plight of their fellow men. The heroes have shown us that, with a pair of fashionable shoes, we can just walk away from these problems.
The Gauliter of Ban-cock announced that the Metropolitan Authority would be setting up a permanent monument to the Addhisarse heroes in Siam Square. The monument will be inscribed with the words “Least we forget”. These days, the Gauliter said, people forget too quickly , we want this achievement, and the NMD R1, to be remembered for generations to come. Funds to build the monument will be diverted from the drought relief fund, he added. Various charities such as Spoil the Children and Oxcon have also offered to help fund the monument.
In breaking news, Private Tye has just heard that Nitipong L., the first Thai to buy the NMD R1, has been nominated for this year's Nobel Prize for Idiocy. We wish him the best of luck with that.
The importance of this new shoe can not be underestimated. A paper in the Scientific American stated that the NMD R1 is perfectly designed for parading through shopping malls and sitting in coffee shops. The paper concluded that it is a breakthrough in transportation technology not seen since Stephenson's Rocket or the Ford Model T.
Shoeponce Monthly had the following to say about the Addhisarse NMD R1: “Perfect to sit in a coffee shop while you tell all your friend on Twitter how you have just bought a pair of NMD R1s and are wearing them in the Sludge coffee shop. Then you can take a footsie (a footsie is like a selfie, but its just your foot) and send it to all your friend by Instagram. Then you can stand up and walk (if you are wearing the NMD R1 this is going to be easier than you think) over to the shoe shop and buy a pair of the old Addhisarse Boston Super sneakers, put them on and go to the Cabin Boy coffee shop, tell all your friend on Twitter, take another footsie, take off the Boston Supers, put the NMD R1 back on, tell all your friend on Twitter, take another footsie….”
How do you explain to an illiterate 19 year old Burma soldier that Americans can torture civilians in the name of freedom and democracy but he can't?
Attempts to bolster the nation's dwindling population with dolls, magically imbued with the spirits of child angels, is being undermined by perverted tourists. These “luk thep” dolls are now to be found in bar and massage parlors throughout the country.
The effect on bars can be seen everywhere, bar girls have been dressing up as dolls and pretending to be luk thep. The go-go dancers have gone and been replaced on stage by heavily painted girls in children's costumes. They do not move at all and just stand in stiff postures.
Private Tye went to the Dolls House bar, which is a favorite for western tourists trying to pick up luk thep. We talked to Sam and Sid from Bristol. Sam said he had an inflatable back home, but she was very passive. “I like something with a bit of spirit” he grinned. Private Tye asked them about fake luk thep. “Yes that's the problem here, you pick up a go-go dancer and then find out its really a man. You pick up a luk thep and then find out its a real girl” said Sid, “or a real man” added Sam.
While the luk thep that belong to rich families are happy and pampered, it is a very different story for dolls that belong to poor farmers. Look in the fishbowl of any massage parlor these days and, in addition to lots of Esarn girls picking their noses, you'll see a couple of luk thep looking “pretty as a picture”. Most of them have been taken from their homes by doll traffickers. These traffickers buy dolls from impoverished families, get them addicted to drugs, and then sell them on to the sex industry.
Private Tye talked to Mowmark, a typical farmer from the north. He told us that he is facing hard times. The Shans that do all the work on his farm are demanding higher wages. He can not meet the hire-purchase payments on his new karaoke machine, and the price of laow khao (rice whiskey) has gone up. “I used to get extra cash when I was paid to vote and go to political rallies, but no more” Mowmark told us, while chewing on the roasted leg of his neighbor's dog. Mowmark explained, “I just did not have enough money to get drunk every night, so I had to sell my luk thep to the trafficker.” He added “I sold all my real children years' ago.”
However, the authorities are fighting back. Yesterday, Peter Prevert, a 52 year old ex-pat from Doncaster, was arrested for operating a Dollophile ring. Neighbors in Mai Chang had noticed that that he was enticing local luk thep to his house with offers of sweets. Following a raid, police found obscene photographs of dolls on the hard drive of his computer. Apparently, Prevert had been selling these pictures to Dollophiles world-wide.
There hopes that things will get better. A famous Korean actress, inspired by the film “Air doll”, has opened a shelter for battered luk thep. One poor creature had been so badly treated that she cried “mamma, mamma,” all day long. The Korean told Private Tye that some perverts like boy dolls. She related the horrifying story of one boy luk thep that was discovered in a brothel. Police found him propped up in the corner of a room near the body of the brothel owner who had had his throat cut. This boy doll has been so traumatized that all he can say is “Hello, my name is Chucky”.
On Friday night 5000 young Brits attended a Whites Only beach party on Ko Farang Baar. By Saturday morning they had all disappeared. Hundreds of thousands of desperate parents flooded the British facebook pages with calls for help. Some claimed that they had not heard from their children in more than six hours.
Shortly before the disappearance Dan Braindead, a 21 year old heavy weight boxer from Liverpool, told his distressed mother that he was “disorientated” after drinking two bottles of Mekhong whiskey the night before and was “frightened” that he did not have any money left to buy more. Sam Vicious, a 22 year old Paratrooper on leave from Afghanistan, told his mum that he was “stressed” after a bar owner had “threatened” to stop serving him beer unless he paid his bill.
The British Papers soon picked up the story. The “Daily Panic” led with “Gota get the kids home” while The “National Hysteric” said “Send a Gunboat”. Shills working on Reddit put out the story that the Brits had been captured by a North Korean submarine.
The Embassy said it was concerned that there might be terrorists hiding out on Ko Farang, and added that they could do little to help as all their staff were needed to protect the Embassy compound from suicide bombers. The Jimmy Savile Foundation said it could only help with children under 12 years of age. The British Society for Responsible Parenting said it was irresponsible to let any children, under the age of thirty, leave home alone.
Ko Farang Baar is an Island in the South China Sea which is inhabited entirely by white people under the age of 25. Prompted by requests from Scotland Yard, local police landed on the island just before noon. What they saw was horrifying. The 21 year old Sid Bonkers from Leeds was found on the beach lying unconscious in a pile of empty beer bottles. Bill Putrid, from Bristol, was found twenty metres further on. He was curled up in the fetal position cradling an empty rum bottle and complaining that he was very thirsty. John Wanker, 22 from Birmingham, was discovered stark naked under a table at the beach front “Drippy Doolins” bar. He asked for another beer and swore he would pay for it tomorrow. Seven others were found groaning and lying in pools of vomit on the bathroom floor of their hotel. The other 4,990 were found at the local airport looking for flights to “Ko Farang Kee Nok” in the Andaman Sea.
21 year old Sillyrat Hedgonrong has gone missing during a backpacking holiday in Lancashire. Sillyrat is five foot three, with black hair and dark brown eyes. She was reported missing by her frantic parents, from My Chang in the north of Ramayana, because they had not heard from her in two days. The last call she made to them was from Bogpool, a resort town on the Irish Sea. She said she was “disorientated” after dropping a tab of ecstasy in a South Shore nightclub. She also said that she thought she was being followed by a donkey.
Sillyrat's mother, Wurria Hedgonrong, has made a desperate appeal on facebook. If any Ramayana backpackers in Lancashire have seen Sillyrat, please contact Wurria immediately, and please keep posting and sharing. The response from Lancastrians has been disappointing, and facebook has been inundated by comments such as “appen shees leaped oft top o tower”, “na'doubt washed oot ta sea affer fooking unda North Pier” and “she musta cum oft Big Dipper, wheee-splat”.
Attempts by Ramayanian Police to contact their counterparts in Bogpool met with difficulties as nobody could be found there who spoke English. Eventually, they spoke to Sargent Scuffer. Scuffer was recently seconded to Bogpool after he shot dead a Brazilian, on the London Underground, for overstaying his visa. Scuffer explained that it was Scottish Fortnight in Bogpool and there were axe fights between Glasgow and Bogpuddlian gangs every night in the pubs. He continued “We do not have time to look for some girl that has not even been stabbed yet”. When asked if Sillyrat would be easy to find as she always wore a Ramayana costume, Scuffer said “naw, does not help at all”. He continued, “half the people in this town dress as clowns, we have 50 year old men dressed as 15 year old schoolgirls, we have furries dressed as teddy-bears and bunny-rabbits, we have 15 year old school girls dressed as 50 year old men, and thousands of Elvis impersonators fleeing the ethnic cleansing in Las Vegas”.
There was hope that Sillyrat had been found when a backpacker reported seeing her eating a barm cake on the Golden Mile, however, it turned out that this was just a Japanese girl in a Godzilla costume.
Reaction from the Ramayanan press has been swift. The Ban-Cock Pest called the incident “a national disgrace” and called for the government to break off diplomatic relations with the UK, while the My Chang Intruder said that the Navy should send its “helicopters only” aircraft carrier to the Irish Sea to rescue Sillyrat. Meanwhile, shills on Reddit have put out the story that she had been abducted by Russian speaking Ukrainians and sold into prostitution.
Wurria and husband Worrium, will fly out to Bogpool tomorrow to look for their daughter. A spokesman for the Ramayana Foreign Office said its really not safe for Ramayanian girls to go backpacking in England, but there is little we can do to stop them.
The editor of Britain's prestigious Grunade newspaper has made a frantic appeal on facebook to find his missing stories. “Yesterday, we had lots of stories about tourists lost in Thailand, but today all the stories have disappeared”, the distressed editor told Private Tye.
The editor said “we are desperate for any news, and we reach out to facebook backpackers and parents of hipsters holidaying in Thailand to let us know if they find any stories. If you are aware of a story about a tourist lost in her hotel room or a story about a twenty year old looking disorientated after drinking a bottle of whiskey in a beach-front bar, please contact us and we'll have the story back here immediately.”
Johnny Plagiarist, has been editor of the Grunade for five years but can not recall a time when he has been so worried: “I'm frightened that there are going to be blank spaces between the advertisements in tomorrow's edition.” Johnny blames modern technology, “our journalists are loosing the ability to make up stories by themselves, these days they just cut and paste fabrications from the social media”.
The Grunade is not alone, the Injun and many other papers have reported losing stories in Thailand.
Carnival in Rio, Oktoberfest in Munich, Bull running in Pamplona and Water Festival in Mai Chang. These are “a must” on the international party-goers circuit. However, there have been worries that the water festival, which the locals call “Songkran” may be canceled due to drought. Songkran takes place at the end of April when the weather is at its hottest. Locals spend three days throwing buckets of water at each other. Visitors from all over the world head to Mai Chang to get drunk and join in the fun.
The Gauliter of Mai Chang Province told Private Tye that the festival would go ahead. Since last year, locals have been collecting and hoarding Songkran water from their vanishing ponds. It might be a bit muddy, but it won't be canceled, he added. However, he said, we are asking overseas visitors to bring their own water, as most of them come from wet countries so that should not be a problem. Tap water rationing in many of the villages of Mai Chang province has been going on for months, but, the Gauliter told us, there will be no rationing of tap water to Mai Chang city centre because rich people live there.
Reaction to the drought from Mai Chang's ex-pat residents has been complete indifference. Bruce Roohunter from Alice Springs said “Mai Chang was dry as a nun's nasty, but no problems, I get all my water in polyethylene bottles, as to laundry well that's for the maid to sort out”. Brad Indiangrave, from Arizona, said “I like it, every year Mai Chang becomes more like home”. Pedro Mescal from Mexico was enthusiastic, he explained that he was buying up land to grow agave cacti and would soon be starting the country's first tequila distillery.
The Gauliter said that El Nino was the sole cause of the drought, and that the massive on-going deforestation in Omkoi and Mae Chaem had go absolutely nothing to do with it. Meanwhile, shills working on Reddit put out the story that the drought was the result of the Chinese building a dam on the Yangtze River.