Worst heat wave ever, no water, air unbreathable due to smog? Cheer up! Pandora has just got back from a shopping spree in Singapore. So, if you are a villager (standing in line with a bucket waiting to get water from a stand pipe because there is no longer a water supply to your house) get out your phone and go to Pandora's Instagram page. She has just got back from Singapore with a birthday present for herself – a big pile of “Hermes” boxes worth more than a million baht. You don't know who “Pandora” is? It does not matter, she is a Thai model and Channel 7 soap opera star, and these bimbos are just the same the world over. So, what's in Pandora's boxes? Private Tye got a peek.
First box: Ten dried up lakes.
Second box: 100,000 people with lung cancer caused by smog.
Third box: Hundreds of thousands of dead forest trees
Fourth box: An elephant dead from heat exhaustion
Fifth box: Hundreds of dried up reservoirs
Sixth box: Millions of dead fish.
Seventh box: Ten dried up rivers
Eighth box: Thousands of dead bats
Ninth box: Millions of dead fruit trees.
No, we were just joking, Pandora brought back Hermes handbags. And this is just what we need in a time of National emergency. We might have to queue up to get water but, as Pandora says, there is no need to look bad when you are doing it. We can all agree that she deserves her present. All that hard work standing in front of a camera and remembering lines. (Oh, wait a minute, she works in Thai soap operas so she does not have to remember lines, after 5 minutes shooting the cameraman falls asleep and the director goes out for a massage. So, the actors can say whatever they like, nobody notices because the screenplay was written by a 500 baht a day hack with a hangover and makes no sense whatsoever.)
Still, its a great achievement, and it looks like Pandora will get the coveted “Bagger of the Year” award from Thailand's Ministry of Handbags. The Minister of Handbags told our reporter that handbag heroes are needed more than ever because Thailand's handbag population is now in decline. He explained the difficulty, this is serious because we need to import more handbags but imports have to be balanced by exports. There is a problem because with all the reservoirs and lakes empty, 2016 will be the last year that Thailand exports maize and rice. From 2017 we will have to import maize, rice and handbags. Our reporter was somewhat alarmed and asked what could be done. The answer lies in cement, we were told, Thailand is the world's second largest cement exporter, exporting over 13 million tons. And, the Minister explained gleefully, it takes just 60 tons of exported cement to cover the cost of one Hermes handbag. So the solution is clear, the Thai cement companies will pulverize Thailand mountains and turn them into cement for export. The money generated by this will find its way into the hands of empty headed actresses and the fat wives of crony capitalists. They will go abroad on shopping sprees and bring back the urgently needed handbags.
Expect more from Pandora soon. She is making a documentary “Afternoon of the living brain-dead” about how she made herself appealing to millions of viewers who's brain waves do not register on an electroencephalogram. Pandora also features in a companion documentary “Drooling means they're happy” about how channel 7 technicians measure audience engagement based on the amount of drool coming out of the side of a viewer's mouth.
Seems that all this facebook and printed media talk about a military junta in Thailand is tommyrot. We looked in the Wikipedia and found that Thailand has a coalition government headed by the Pheu Thai Party.
Admittedly, there was a note saying “this article is out of date” (dated June 2014). The point is that there have been thousands of people discussing Thai politics in the social media during the last 18 months, but none of them have bothered, or been able, to make a simple correction to this Wikipedia article. Wikipedia is supposed to be open to everybody, that is, anybody can add to or change the Wikipedia. You do not even need to use your own name, you can sign on anonymously to make an “edit”. The reality is somewhat different. In the vast majority of cases where members of the public try to make an “edit”, they find their contribution rapidly deleted by some anonymous Administrator. If fact it is now probably easier to get something published in the New York Times, than it is to make a lasting edit in the Wikipedia. So, nobody bothers anymore.
There has been a lot of speculation about who these anonymous Administrators are. These are some of the more common theories:
1. Disbarred lawyers
The theory that Wikipedia Administrators are all disbarred lawyers stems from the fact that Wikipedia has thousands of rules. If you try to find out why one of your Wikipedia edits has been removed the usual explanation is that it violates some Wikipedia rule, and that you should “learn the rules” before making an edit. Wikipedia has so many rules and if you were to print them all out you would have something bigger than a 20th century phone book. You could get a law degree in less time than it would take to understand the Wikipedia rules. It seems then, that only lawyers could make up and master all these rules. Wikipedia Administrators have plenty of time on their hands, they are vindictive and generally unpleasant, just what you would expect from a disbarred lawyer.
2. Secret cult
The theory that the Administrators are members of of a secret cult has three points in its favour. The first point, is that almost all the Administrators are anonymous when, if they are acting honestly, there is no need to be. The second point, is that, although Administrators never agree with outsiders trying to make an edit, they never disagree with each other. The third point, is that nobody in his right mind would make a donation to Wikipedia, so where does their money come from? The cult theorist sees the Wikipedia Administrators as being like a medieval religious order selling dispensations to the rich and powerful “give us some money and will make sure nobody says anything nasty about your product/party/government”.
3. Retired intelligence operatives
This theory attempts to answer the question “where do old spies go to die?” the official explanation is that they go to Maryland and spend all day mowing the lawn and playing golf. However, if you have spent your life in the business of deceit, disinformation and torture, playing golf is apt to seem a little bland. So, why not infiltrate the Wikipedia? Start by correcting some punctuation mistakes (everything counts as an edit) and with a bit of patience you will make your way up to being an Administrator. Then you can do what you are good at, that is, planting disinformation. Plus you can get a few extra dollars from the the company and remain part of the gang, its the ideal retirement job. Ever wondered why the Wikipedia account of the World Trade Center disaster reads like a White House press release? That's because it is a White House press release.
4. Professional intelligence operatives
The other theory is that Wikipedia was not infiltrated, because it was an intelligence operation from the start and it is fully staff by professional intelligence operatives. This theory hangs on the fact that there is absolutely no reason for a person making an edit to an encyclopedia to be anonymous. So, why has Wikipedia always defended the right to anonymous edits. The fact of the matter is that a person making an edit is not anonymous at all, although he might think he is. The Wikipedia can always track an editor's IP address. Try making an edit when you go to the Wikipedia page using the anonymous TOR browser, you will find it can not be done. The Editors are not hidden from the Administrators but the Administrators are hidden from the Editors. The “professional theorist” sees the Wikipedia as a huge entrapment machine. It encourages editors, who think they are anonymous, to express deviant opinions. These opinions are stored in a secret computer under the editor's IP address before being deleted from the wikipedia main page.
5. Failed writers
The atrocious literary style (or lack of it) of Wikipedia articles has led some people to believe that it must be written by failed writers. According to this theory, there are thousands of people who have had their books repeated turned down by publishers, and they have all migrated to Wikipedia to established themselves as Administrators . The style of Wikipedia articles is so boring that have been cases of students using them for date rape. Get a girl back to your room and ask her to read a couple of Wikipedia pages. You will find that her eyes glaze over and she goes into a sort of coma. Apparently, it works better than Rohypnol.
6. Freelance shills
This theory contends that there is nothing sinister about Wikipedia at all. Just like all anonymous sites it has been taken over by freelance shills (Internet shills are people who are paid to plant, disparage or remove copy from the web). The shill business has been growing at a fantastic rate. Time was when Internet recruiters like Upwork and Freelancer were mainly looking for people to ghost dissertations for illiterate students at Harvard, now jobs for shills far outnumber jobs for ghosters. Some bulletin boards, like Reddit, are now populated almost entirely by shills. Obviously the people who hire shills are not very impressed when the planted copy they paid for is only read by other shills. The shill markets is very competitive so putting “Wikipedia Administrator” on your shill resume is going to count a lot more than “10,000 shill posts on Reddit”.
It is unlikely that the Wikipedia will disappear overnight. This is a pity, because it acts as an impediment to something more honest taking its place. It will probably just fade away. The administrators, whoever they are, are indisputably boring; and you can not survive long on the world wide web if you are boring. In twenty years time someone will ask “Do you remember the Wikipedia?” and get the reply “Oh yes, wasn't that something on Netscape?”
21 April 2016
It all started on Wednesday the 13th at Mai Chang during Songkran. (Songkran is a festival during which people throw water at each other using red plastic toilet bowls given to them by a billionaire living in Dubai). An unidentified white man got throughly drenched with a bowl of water taken from the moat, so he took off his wet shirt. Police, on the lookout for anybody having a good time, immediately recognized this as a case of Moat Fever. The man was immediately taken to Police Headquarters where he was treated with a hundred baht fine and then released. However, this was just the start of the outbreak. On the 14th four Shans from Burma were found with Moat Fever. They were take to police HQ and given the stronger treatment of a 500 baht fine. Local police said they now have the situation under control.
STOP PRESS. Reports are now coming in that Moat Fever has spread throughout the country. Bare chested men have been seen in hotel swimming pools in the capital. There are, apparently, hundreds of half naked blokes walking up and down beaches throughout the land, and thousands of semi-nude white men are lying on the sand on Ko Farang. Private Tye contacted Phoophan Plod of the “Say no to nipples” squad. He admitted that Moat Fever has now reached epidemic proportions and that the police would not be able examine all the victims. We'll have to use a triage system, he told us. So who will be given priority? we asked. We'll start by grabbing the young boys, he said, especially cute ones with nice abs and a cheeky smile.
Private Tye advises all good and prudish citizen to stay indoors and make sure your shirt is properly buttoned up. Under no circumstances should you allow your boys to leave the home unless they are wearing a bra.
The Ministry of Communications has blocked Britain's Daily Mail and the Shogun's cabinet continues to threaten to impose a single Internet gateway: “The single gateway will be a tool to control inappropriate websites and the inbound of information and news from overseas to Thailand”. Perhaps its time to build a Dark Web in Thailand.
Actually, there is no need to build a dark web, the web is already there. All thats needed is listings of Thai goods and services, many of which are in declined because of old fashioned marketing and a failure to adapt to the world of electronic commerce. For example, Thailand was once famous for its hitmen. Every week you would read about a business man stopping his car at a traffic light and then having his head blown off by a motorcyclist with an 11mm pistol. These days it does not seem to happen very much. However, thanks to the dark web, the services of a professional assassin are now available to ordinary, respectable, middle-class folks in Europe and America.
So, if your husband is having an affair or your wife has a lover, the solution simple. You enter the Hitman Network through the TOR browser and log on. As you using an anonymous browser nobody knows who you are. You hire your hitman and pay in bitcoins, so you are untraceable, nobody can know you ordered the hit! Its the perfect way to get rid of all those people you really hate without any repercussions. Of course, the hitman is also untraceable, so some might ask, what happens if you send your bitcoins and no hit takes place? Well, you can always complain to the police. But we really don't think you would need to. After all, if you can not trust an anonymous hitman who can you trust?
Same is true with drugs. This works well in Britain, you go to the dark web and see lots of suppliers with lovely pictures of weed and stuff. You contact the supplier (its on the dark web so nobody knows), pay them with bitcoin (again, nobody knows who you are), then you give them your name and postal address and they will mail your stuff to you. Heh, heh, perfect!
Here are some dark web shops we recommend:
Old Bill's Bazaar
Coppers Carefree Shopping
Peelers Postal Services
Rozzers Reliable Supplies
Its is now estimated that 80% of illegal drugs in Britain are sold online. Its easy to see why. Jack Pothead is nabbed by the Bill with a brick of best Afghan in his handbag. Back at the station the Bill ask Jack where he got the stuff. Now, Jack has a Prisoners Dilemma; if he says nothing he'll get a good kicking, if he names his supplier he will get a Columbian necktie. So Jack says “I bought it on the dark web”. “Fine”, says Mr Plod, who can now happily finish filling out his arrest report. The report and hundreds like it go to the Chief Constable. He sees that the reports indicate that 80% of of drugs are now bought online, so with the acute perception of a spin doctor he sees that street sales must now be down by 80%. He also sees that more staff are need for a computer crimes unit, and this requires more funds. “Splendid”, he declares and orders a press release. The Guardian and the Telegraph run with story because, as they never bother to check facts when they can be checked, they are certainly not going to question a story where it is impossible to check the facts.
Of course some people, who still have some money left after the Nigerian scams, do send their bitcoins to the dark web shops. The shop owners buy some more weed, take a photo of it, post the photo on the web and then sit back smoking the weed until the next punter sends more bitcoins.
The dark web is famous for porn. However, this is a bit misleading. Our reporters, who are very good at finding porn, went surfing for porn on the dark web and did not find much. The best (worst) they could find was few still pics of an Asian girl having sex with a dog, which was a bit disappointing because they had already seen these pics on the clear web. No doubt there is some confusion (caused by disinformation put out by British newspapers and shills on Reddit) between dark web and dark Internet. The dark Internet is where you do your Internet banking. The dark web pages have addresses containing the word “onion” such as http://newpdsuslmzqazvr.onion/. Dark web pages can not be found by Google or accessed by Neanderthals using Internet Explorer.
So, Private Tye magazine will soon be setting up a dark web shop. Our products will include red plastic Thaksin toilet bowls, high powered water pistols, early 20th century pictures of bare breasted Thai girls, Democratic medical boxes, Japanese electric dildos, packs of cigarettes without pictures of lungs destroyed by asbestos, see-through panties from the 2015 Songkran, and fake rhino horn powder for Chinese men who are so old they have never heard of Viagra.
If you want to order early, send your bitcoins to: 1KCqVo7wRDTYRe52Bg3uszzPCPcFWCT7QZ
The shogun appears familiar with Bram Stoker's novel and be in the process of using garlic to ward off any vampire attempting to enter Government House. There are rumors that a refrigerator in Dubai, that once contained thousand of syringes of red shirt blood, is now empty. The Nosferatu may return.
A fiendish plot to take over the nations toilets has been thwarted by the prompt action of government troops. The attempted coup d'crapper was brought to a halt when soldiers confiscated a stock pile of illegal toilet bowls from the house of a “Poor Thai” party leader. Authorities were alerted to the problem when they noticed that “Poor Thai” (Red Shirt) pinup girls with red toilet bowls had been posting selfies on the social media.
These small plastic bowls are used to hold the water that Thais use instead of toilet paper. The confiscated red bowls are printed with a message from the billionaire “Poor Thai” leader who lives in the rich man paradise of Dubai. The problem comes to the head because of the upcoming Songkran water throwing festival. The country is in the grip of the worse drought ever (because successive governments during the last twenty years have all turned a blind eye to deforestation). This means that tap water may be unavailable for Songkran, and bog water will have to be used instead.
Control of the countries lavatories is, therefore, of vital strategic importance. Songkran could see a flair up of conflict between the Poor Thai Red Shirts and their opposition Yellow shirts. If the Red Shirts gain control of the countries lavatories, the Yellow Shirts could end up covered in ...