Scientists have discovered that anyone who reads more than three sections of Thailand's new constitution will die of boredom. These finding are based on an experiment conducted by Prof. S. Dementia of Babarbabor University. He studied 100 Army conscripts who had “volunteered” to inform villagers about how to vote in the forthcoming constitutional referendum. The Professor found that 20% of these subjects fell to the ground and died before finishing the first section, 70% died during the second section and only 10% got to the third section before they succumbed to a terminal grand mall seizure. The 137 page constitution will be the twentieth since 1932.
People have asked Prof. Dementia how it was possible for the Constitution to get written, but he explained that each section had been written by a different author and that each author was only allowed to read the preceding section.
Despite the fact that nobody has read it, millions are expected to vote on whether it should be adopted or not. The referendum has deeply divided the nation with voters vehemently for or against it. The forthcoming vote has even sparked acts of terrorism by the notorious Minne Mouse gang of eight-year old schoolgirls and monkeys.
Private Tye asked member of the public about how they would vote. Prasit Peabrain said he would vote “no” because his wife's best friend's brother had a degree in economics and he said it would be bad for the economy. Noi Nincompoop said she would vote “yes” because somebody on Reddit said that the new constitution would stop Yingluk from singing stupid songs. Daeng Dimwit said he would vote “no” because a columnist in the Daily Fibber had said that all the experts agree that it would be bad for the country; when asked who these experts are, Daeng said he did not know: when asked if the experts had read the constitution, he said he did not know that either, but the Daily Fibber was always right. Mae Mercenary said she would not be voting because nobody had offered to pay her to vote, this is Thailand she said “No money no votie”
The real story from Khaosod:
To election officials tasked with vigilantly enforcing a draconian referendum law, it may have looked as though the forces of man and nature conspired against them.
Macaque vandals, teen mischief, destructive weather and even a coffee marketing campaign left grim officials seeking recourse over the weekend against forces largely out of their control.
First, two Mathayom students in Rayong’s Klaeng district were caught Saturday shredding and burning a voter list posted near a community building. The two middle schoolers became the second pair of students charged with violating the referendum law, which penalizes vandalism of voting equipment.
Then rain damaged a voter list in Ratchaburi city, where recent storms left the distinctive pink documents faded beyond recognition. Locals told reporters they were puzzled as to why officials had posted important documents under the open sky.
In Pichit province, the defenders of the pink papers were left with no one to punish Sunday after an onslaught of more than 100 monkeys at a temple where people will vote in the Aug. 7 referendum. Their simian assault annihilated the voter list pinned there. It also proved somewhat ironic as officials have deployed Hanuman, the Monkey God, as their smiling mascot.
“Some of them carried the papers away like they were mocking the police and the people chasing after them,” local official Chatchawan Suksawasdi said. “So we couldn’t catch or do anything to this monkey pack.”
All told, five of 15 documents listing names of local voters were destroyed, along with 10 papers detailing voting procedures.
Pichit police chief Jaruay Pholprasert said he couldn’t have seen it coming.
“It was an incident beyond all reasonable prevention,” Col. Jaruay said.
And finally, alarms were briefly raised in Si Saket province when keen-eyed local authorities spotted dozens of small flags proclaiming “Tick No” dotting a road there.
Gov. Thawat Surabal immediately ordered an investigation, as any campaign to “mobilize” or “mislead” the public to vote for or against the proposed constitution is also illegal under the referendum law.
The investigation came to an end after officials realized the flags were in fact promotinga coffee brand called Ga No – a localized reduction of “Americano.” How could that pose offense? The word “Ga” means to tick a ballot.
Nevertheless, governor Thawat said he’s asked the coffee producers to suspend their campaign to avoid any further misunderstanding.
“I have asked for the cooperation from the manufacturers of said coffee to stop any PR activity for their coffee brand temporarily,” Thawat said. “Because it’s misleading and risky in the period when we’re preparing to vote in the referendum.”
Thailand's referendum on a new constitution has been sabotaged by a gang of 100 pig-tailed macaques. The raiders, who destroyed many documents, were apparently, a local gang from Phichit.
Gangs of monkeys normally attack tourists in order to steal spectacles, handbags, passports etc. This political activity is something new, a Government spokesman told Private Tye. “We can not see that they have real grievance. There are plenty of monkeys sitting in Parliament”, he said, “and there will be even more if the New Constitution passes. Macaques might not have the vote but they are well represented. This is not a random attack, someone has radicalized the macaques, there is a mastermind behind all this,” he concluded.
This is the latest in a series of acts of sabotage. Last week the Nation was shocked to find that an eight year old schoolgirl had torn a registration list in Kamphaeng Phet. The girl claimed that she had just wanted some pink paper, so an incompetent police officer let her go. Police now believe that she is the brains behind a well organized reign of terror.
Minnie Mouse still at large
The identity of the schoolgirl was unknown until a sharp eyed Private Tye reporter noticed she had her name printed on the back of her shirt. She is “Minnie Mouse”. Obviously a suspicious character, Minnie Mouse is thin and healthy looking in a country where 99% of students are clinically obese. A spokesman for Thailand's DEA told Private Tye that she must have a secret supply of fresh organic vegetables (these are a class “A” illegal drug in Thailand). So, pre-existing underworld connections are certain. Also the excuse of wanting pretty paper does not hold up. Eight-year olds do not know what paper is; since Yingluk all schoolwork is on defective tablet computers. These facts have convinced police that she is the mastermind behind the Macaque raid.
Government Agencies are now on full alert but are clueless as to where the mysterious Minnie Mouse will strike next.
The real story from the Bangkok Post:
Almost 100 pig-tailed macaques raided a polling station at a Phichit temple in Muang district Sunday and tore down voter lists for the referendum on the draft charter. Police previously arrested two 8-year-old girls for election sabotage. Children also were interrogated in Rayong province. Police were alerted Sunday morning about the macaque incident at an open hall of Wat Hat Mun Krabue. Pol Lt Col Banchob Uthayo, an investigator of tambon Yanyao police station, other investigators from the station and Chatchawan Suksawat, Moo 1 village headman of tambon Yanyao of Muang district, had arrived at the scene. Lists of eligible voters and referendum-related announcement papers put up at the polling station were found to have been destroyed. Five out of 15 voter list papers had been ripped, along with seven out of 10 papers detailing the referendum vote. The damaged papers were collected for examination. Villagers told police that almost 100 macaques living around the temple stormed the polling station and tore down the documents there.
Election officials also detained and charged two high school students who tore down voter lists in what they thought was a clean-up.The two students "confessed" to tearing down three lists of eligible voters for the charter referendum attached to a notice board at a polling station in Rayong's Klaeng district. They were among four students playing in the area on Friday. The four were questioned by police to determine whether they were hired by someone to rip the documents. Klaeng district chief Wittaya Chapanon also attended the session.The two students told police there was no one behind their acts, adding they thought these were old documents. They were sent to Rayong juvenile court to face prosecution.
Two eight-year-old girls have been legally charged under the draconian law for tearing down voter lists, police said Saturday. Foreign reports described the focus on election sabotage as "increasingly bizarre". The French news agency AFP reported Saturday on the arrest of the children, saying the junta has outlawed most discussion and criticism of its draft charter, which may be voted upon at a referendum currently scheduled for Aug 7. A special law provides a prison sentence of up to 10 years for illegal rhetoric or writing. Campaigning of any kind is also banned and authorities have already arrested or warned scores of people for handing out critical leaflets or wearing "Vote No" T-shirts.The eight-year-olds fell foul of the law after "confessing" to tearing down voter lists outside a school in Kamphaeng Phet province because they liked the paper's pink colour.
The pair have been officially charged under the Referendum Act with "obstructing the referendum process, destroying official documents and destroying common public property", said Damrong Phetpong, the police commander of the province. They will not face jail time as the law exempts anyone under the age of 10 from criminal punishment, he said. He actually defended the police action, claiming the force were duty-bound to file the charges. "Police have a duty to compile witnesses and evidence and then refer the case to a public prosecutor" who will decide whether to pursue the case, he told AFP. The junta has become increasingly jittery ahead of the poll, with police initially speculating that anti-junta activists were behind the torn voter lists. But an investigation led officers to the girls, who were questioned at a police station.
The problem of brawls between rival student gangs will be solved by sending them to Navy camps. “We'll soon put them straight” Admiral Graft Spree told Private Tye. “No more slouching about and ogling girls, well teach them to march and stand erect. Good, hard, military discipline will make men out of them. We'll also teach them to shoot properly and fire missiles, this should reduce their violent tendencies when they get out.”
The policy is endorsed by the police who say that rival student gang members should learn to love each other.
The real story according to the Bangkok Post:
The navy has rolled out a training model in which primary and high school students are required to attend army camps to address violence between feuding schools. Capt Virat Somchit, commander of the Royal Thai Navy's Naval Rating School for non-commissioned officers in Chon Buri's Sattahip district, said two camps are planned. The navy came up with the model in response to Prime Minister Prayut Chan-o-cha's policy to curb brawls between students from rival institutes.
A source at the navy said the premier ordered the navy to devise the measure to help the government solve the long-standing issue. Earlier, the navy school briefed him on the plan that students involved with interschool fights should attend a two-week camp which could help ease their sense of hostility toward students of rival schools. The programme will be held jointly by the navy and the Education Ministry. Capt Virat said the camp aimed to instill good discipline, responsibility, compassion and virtues in students. The camps can be held both during school terms or the holidays.
Camp sites and military personnel will be prepared by the army. "We want parents to think of it as sending their children to a scout camp, only for a little longer and under the military's supervision," he said. Capt Virat said an assessment of camp activities will also be conducted, adding he believed the new model would help tackle the student brawl issue. The navy has finished drawing up the model which will go to navy chief Na Areenij for consideration, he added. Under the new model, Capt Virat said orderliness, virtues, leadership and patriotism will be stressed.
Also, schools can invite military personnel from army bases to lecture their students about discipline, which will enable the students to grow more acquainted with army authorities. Earlier, the navy and the Education Ministry conducted a camp on a trial basis for a group of vocational students who took part in interschool brawls.
Thai Government research, which shows that tourists are looking for beautiful culture rather than sex, has amazed most bar owners. “We must have been getting it wrong for decades” Colin Clap told Private Tye. Colin is the owner of the Cockortwo Bar and has already started to make changes in the light of the new information. The dancers will soon be wearing classical Thai dancers costumes instead of bikinis, he said. The sound system has been ripped out and replaced by a wooden xylophone. Colin is thinking of changing the name to the Plinky Plonk bar.
Changes have been profound at the Drippy Doolins Bar. The bikinis have already gone and the girls are now wearing traditional North-Eastern clothes. The stage is deserted except for one girl stood reciting poems by Sunthorn Phu. Private Tye's reporter asked for a beer but owner Peter Pox said “Beer's off, its only Lao Khao now. We have to be culturally correct.”
There was a scene of chaos at "The Intruder" upstairs live show bar. The owner, Harry Herpes, was trying to hang up a white bed sheet while the girls and boys were fiddling with sticks attached to bits of leather. We are trying to make a shadow puppet theater, Harry explained. "There are plenty of shadow puppets for sale at tourist gift stalls and fake antique shops, but nobody knows how to uses them. Apparently the last person who could do a shadow puppet show died twenty years ago. Shadow puppets were replaced by a foreign thing called the Cinema in the 1950s."
At the Cabin Boy Karaoke Bar, our reporter found all the tables and chairs had been removed and replaced by mats on the floor for patrons to use. The karaoke equipment was still there, but owner, Adrian Aids, said it would be Thai folk songs only from now on. We are having some of these translated into phonetic English so that tourists can sing along. Should be more fun than “Danny Boy” or “Yellow rose of Texas”, he said with a worried expression on his face.
Police said they were looking to prosecute venues employing underage and illegal migrant workers, but only one of the venues raided was shut down.
There was no link between the tourism minister's aim to rid Thailand of its sex tourism industry and the raids, a police spokesman said.
The tourism sector accounts for about 10 percent of gross domestic product and sex worker groups said the minister's vision of a prostitution-free Thailand would dent that.
"The police presence already drives off a number of clients who come to relax or drink at bars," said Surang Janyam, director of Service Workers in Group (SWING), which provides sex workers with free medical care and vocational training.
"Wiping out this industry is guaranteed to make Thailand lose visitors and income."
Many sex workers come from the impoverished northeast and see selling their bodies as a way out of poverty.
One former sex worker from the northeastern province of Maha Sarakham, who declined to be identified, told Reuters she entered Bangkok's sex trade at the age of 19 and earned up to THB5,000 baht a night, nearly 20 times the minimum wage of THB300 baht per day.
"No one wants to work in this business, but it's fast and easy money," she said.
NightLight and SWING said they would welcome the sex industry's closure if the government had a plan to ensure that sex workers could support themselves without falling back into the business.
"If they want to close the sex industry, they must first have jobs ready to support sex workers," said Surang.
At a summit in Mongolia, the President has given a horse as a present to each of the attending leaders. It seems that President Tsakhiagiin hopes this will help them produce more horseshit. However, academics believe that it is just not possible. Private Tye talked to the Rectum of Easygown University. He told us that the Mongolians were a very backward and naive people. Many of them believe that some politicians sometimes tell the truth. “Incredible in this day and age” he remarked. But this was not all, in addition to Asian politicians there were also members of the European Council present. The Rectum told us that according to Godel's theorem the EU Council is “a system that consistently produces complete horseshit”. So, he explained, it is mathematically impossible for members of the Council to produce more horseshit than they already do.
Britain's planned membership of the Association of South East Asian Nation may be put on hold because of fake designer goods, it was reported in the Guardian. However, these claims were dismissed by Spiny Norman, the new Foreign Secretary. “Fake designer goods are only produced by Italian or French Companies and we couldn't care less about them anymore”, he told Private Tye. “Britain welcomes fakes and has done for hundreds of years. Our best institutions, such as Eton and Oxford, are dedicated to producing fakes. Think about it. If we got rid of all the fakes, the House of Commons would be empty” he said adamantly.
A giant head, with short spiky hair, has mysteriously appeared at a Thai Temple. Cult members claim it is a reincarnation of “Spiny Norman”, a giant hedgehog that was last seen in London in the 1960s. The Norman cult has long held that Spiny Norman would return and continue his search for Dinsdale Piranha. The second coming of Spiny Norman would be accompanied by cataclysmic events, such as the end of the European Union, they believe.
However, conservative cult members claim that Spiny Norman has no connection to Thailand. They believe that Norman has been reborn as Boris Johnson. Its blatantly obvious, they say. The hair, the beady eyes, the jowls, all make Johnson a dead ringer for Spiny Norman. Boris and Norman even hang out in the same place.
One thing is certain, with Spiny Norman as Foreign Secretary, Britain will soon be out of the EU.
Bernie Sanders has landed the plum job of Butler to Hilary Clinton. He will not be retiring to a condo on Pattaya beach Thailand. After failing to win the race to become the next Whitehouse manager for Goldman Sachs, we expected him to do the right thing and retire to a seaside condominium in the land of smiles. Poncing about from bar to bar wearing a baseball cap, polo shirt, tennis shorts and trainers, he would have fit perfectly into the American community. He could have become President of the local underground Bridge Club before, eventually, being pushed off the balcony of a high rise condo by a ladyboy.
Instead, he will remain in the public eye, walking two meters behind Clinton, carrying a silver salver with her mobile phone on it. Given Bernie's appearance (drooping shoulders, gray thinning hair, thick spectacles) he is perfectly suited to the job. In fact, some people believe that he was the one “who did it” and he is an escapee from of a Hollywood Agatha Cristie movie.
The real story from Reuters:
Democrat Bernie Sanders endorsed former rival Hillary Clinton for president in a display of party unity on Tuesday, describing her as the best candidate to fix the United States' problems and beat Republican Donald Trump in the Nov. 8 election.
With Clinton nodding in agreement beside him, Sanders put aside their bitter campaign for the Democratic nomination and said she would take up the fight to ease economic inequality, make college more affordable and expand healthcare coverage for all Americans.
"This campaign is about the needs of the American people and addressing the very serious crises that we face, and there is no doubt in my mind that, as we head into November, Hillary Clinton is far and away the best candidate to do that," he told a raucous crowd in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, that included plenty of vocal Sanders supporters.
"I intend to do everything I can to make certain she will be the next president of the United States," the U.S. senator from Vermont said.
His endorsement, five weeks after Clinton became the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, brought the most prominent holdout in the party's liberal wing into her camp. Sanders threw Clinton his support less than two weeks before the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, where she is to be formally nominated.
"I can't help but reflect on how much more enjoyable this election will be now that we are on the same side," Clinton said of Sanders. "Thank you, Bernie, for your endorsement, but more than that, thank you for your lifetime of fighting injustice."
Trump ridiculed the move in a series of Twitter posts, saying Sanders had abandoned the supporters who flocked to his insurgent campaign to rein in Wall Street and get big money out of politics.
"Bernie Sanders endorsing Crooked Hillary Clinton is like Occupy Wall Street endorsing Goldman Sachs," Trump said on Twitter.
In a statement, the Trump campaign said Sanders was now officially part of the rigged system the senator had criticized during his long primary battle with Clinton.
"Bernie's endorsement becomes Exhibit A in our rigged system - the Democrat Party is disenfranchising its voters to benefit the select and privileged few," said Stephen Miller, a senior policy adviser to Trump.
Theresa May got more than a million Thai emails offering congratulations and a special offer on skin care and anti-aging cream. Giffarine, Thailand's miracle skin cream, uses a pyramid (Amway style) marketing scheme which means that two million Thai housewives are selling it on the Internet even though nobody actually uses it.
But it was not just amateur lotion sales people, she got 50 emails from Chiang Mai dentists offering a package deal of a new set of teeth, three nights at the Four Seasons and a tour of Doi Intanon national park. Three Chiang Mai hospitals offered essentially the same deal but with a hip replacement instead of the new teeth. 500 Thai hair-dressers offered a free blue rinse as part of similar packages.
Strangely there were no emails from Thailand's bargain basement, cut and paste, plastic surgeons. An industry spokesperson said “we would not know were to start”.
The real story from Reuters:
Interior minister Theresa May will become Britain's prime minister on Wednesday, with the task of steering its withdrawal from the European Union, after rival Andrea Leadsom abruptly terminated her disastrous leadership campaign.
May, 59, will succeed David Cameron, who announced he was stepping down after Britons unexpectedly voted last month to quit the EU. Britain's planned withdrawal has weakened the 28-nation bloc, created huge uncertainty over trade and investment, and shaken financial markets.
May and Leadsom had been due to contest a ballot of grassroots Conservative party members, with the result to be declared by Sept. 9. But Leadsom unexpectedly quit on Monday after a campaign dogged by ill-judged comments about her rival's lack of children and questions about whether she had exaggerated her CV.
"I am honored and humbled to have been chosen by the Conservative Party to become its leader," said May, who favored remaining in the EU but has made clear there is no going back on the result of the June 23 referendum.
"Brexit means Brexit, and we're going to make a success of it."
Thailand prepares for more British refugees and calls on other ASEAN nations to take their fair share.
David Cameron was one of the few people who warned that Britain was facing invasion, now he has gone because of Brexit. Britain now has no allies in Europe because of Brexit. North Korea has just tested a submarine launched ballistic missile, again because of Brexit.
In April 2013 the Guardian reported that Cameron “said it would "foolish" to leave the country defenceless at a time when the "highly unpredictable and aggressive" regime in North Korea was developing ballistic missiles that could eventually threaten Europe”. Cameron commissioned four Trident Nuclear submarines to meet the threat, these would have cost 20 Billion pounds but now they will cost more because of Brexit. In fact, they may never be finished because another vote is needed for renewal, all because of Brexit. Brexit could mean that Britains' loose forever the ability to destroy cities and incinerate babies at the other side of the world.
North Korea has an army of a million men, all they have to do is march though China and then across Russia and Belarus, then through the EU countries of Poland, Germany and France (which will do nothing to stop them because of Brexit). So, within months we could see millions of screaming Koreans charging out of the channel tunnel.
According to the Guardian, all the experts agree that a North Korean invasion is now probable because of Brexit. These are Sir Nigel Teamoney (Chairman of British Defense Industries PLC), Hugh Kickback (Chairman of Military Avionics Inc.), Lord Graft (Chairman of First Strike Systems PLC), Julian Teamoney (son of Sir Nigel and Director of the Oxford Institute of Strategic Studies) and Theresa Kickback (daughter of Hugh and Defense Correspondent at the Guardian).
The real story from REUTERS 9 July 2016:
North Korea fired a ballistic missile from a submarine on Saturday, but it appears to have failed soon after launch, South Korea's military said.
The launch comes at the end of a week of sharply rising tensions on the Korean Peninsula, and only a day after the United States and South Korea pledged to deploy an advanced anti-missile system to counter threats from Pyongyang
North Korea on Thursday warned it was planning its toughest response to what it deemed a "declaration of war" by the United States. The warning followed Washington's blacklisting of the isolated state's leader Kim Jong Un for alleged human rights abuses.
South Korea's Office of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said in a statement that the missile was launched at about 11:30 a.m. Seoul time (0230 GMT) in waters east of the Korean Peninsula.
The missile was likely fired from a submarine as planned, but appears to have failed in the early stage of flight, the Joint Chiefs said.