At the ASEAN summit in Laos, Asian leaders were in hysterics over what some observers have called a “fatal joke worthy of Monty Python”. The Vietnamese Prime Minister (left) was so convulsed that he had to be hospitalized for a short time. The Laotian Prime Minister was calmed down after a sedative. Cambodia's Hun Sen did not need medical treatment, but an aid told us that he had not had such a good laugh since the funeral of Kem Ley. The “Fatal Joke” was Obama's claim that the South China Sea is part of the territorial waters of Guam (which is a US colony). Any body of water, that is within the range of a B 52 bomber, belongs to us, Obama asserted. The Real Story from Aljazeera: South China Sea row tops ASEAN summit agenda Tepid criticism in draft statement of meetings in Vientiane seen as reflection of China's economic and military clout.Asian leaders have played down tensions over the South China Sea in a carefully worded summit statement In Vientiane, Laos. However, even before it was issued China voiced frustration on Thursday with countries outside the region "interfering" in tussles over the strategic waterway. The lukewarm rebuke is a reflection of China's diplomatic, economic and military clout within the 10-nation Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN), which is spearheading the summit with the United States, China and six other nations: Russia, India, Japan, South Korea, Australia and New Zealand. Together they are attending the East Asia Summit in the Laotian capital. The 10 ASEAN heads of state and the leaders of the six other countries together with US President Barack Obama and Chinese Premier Li Keqiang "reaffirmed the importance of maintaining peace, stability, security and freedom of navigation in and over-flight in the South China Sea". Avoiding controversyThe draft is of a statement to be issued in Vientiane papers over the regional strains caused by competing claims to areas of the strategically important sea. "Several leaders remained seriously concerned over recent developments in the South China Sea," says the draft. The statement makes no reference to a July ruling by a court in The Hague that declared illegal some of China's artificial islands in the sea and invalidated its claims to almost the entire waterway. Nevertheless, Obama said on Thursday that the Hague ruling had helped clarify maritime rights. "I recognise this raises tensions but I also look forward to discussing how we can constructively move forward together to lower tensions," he said at a summit meeting. Officials said that the talks on Wednesday between the ASEAN leaders and Li went smoothly. However, in a statement later from China's foreign ministry, Li was paraphrased as saying China was willing to work with Southeast Asian countries in "dispelling interference ... and properly handling the South China Sea issue". He did not elaborate, but such wording is typically used by Chinese leaders to refer to not allowing countries from outside the region with no direct involvement in the dispute, like the US, from getting involved. China claims much of the South China Sea, through which more than $5 trillion worth of trade moves each year. Taiwan and four ASEAN members - Vietnam, the Philippines, Malaysia and Brunei - also have claims, making it a hot spot of regional tension. The other ASEAN nations are Cambodia, Indonesia, Laos, Myanmar, Singapore and Thailand. Disputed reefsChina has over the past year alarmed other claimants, and outside powers such as the US and Japan, by re-claiming land on several disputed reefs through dredging, and building air fields and port facilities. The Philippines released photographs and a map showing what it said was an increased number of Chinese vessels near the disputed Scarborough Shoal, which China seized after a standoff in 2012. Its defence ministry expressed "grave concern" that Chinese boats were preparing to build structures at the triangle-shaped chain of reefs and rocks. The Philippine move came after a dispute with the US, its former colonial power. The mood soured when new President Rodrigo Duterte insulted Obama using a vulgar term on Monday, prompting the cancellation of a meeting between them. The two leaders made some steps towards clearing the air late on Wednesday, however, chatting briefly, and exchanging pleasantries as they prepared to take their seats at a leaders' dinner. The US has been a staunch ally of the Philippines, and China has repeatedly blamed the US for stirring up trouble in the South China Sea. The US says it has no position on the territorial disputes but wants to ensure freedom of navigation. To press that point, it has conducted patrols near Chinese-held islands.
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The bombs were misplaced during flights from U-Tapao to Hanoi during the late 1960s. The mishaps occurred because of a design fault with the B 52 bomber. Apparently, the bomb release leaver was located close to the beer cooler, which caused many bombs to be lost before the planes reached their destination. It is not clear what the USA intends to do with the bombs, if they are returned. It is presumed they will be dropped on Syria; or given to “freedom fighters” there, for recycling into land mines. Private Tye predicts that in 2060, after the USA has been driven out of the Middle East (and has, instead, started bombing villagers in South America or Central Africa), the President will visit Syria seeking warmer relations and offering to buy back the bombs that were dropped there 45 years earlier. The story from NBC: Obama, in Laos, Pledges $90 Million to Clear Unexploded OrdnanceVIENTIANE, Laos — Acknowledging the scars of a secret war, President Barack Obama on Tuesday said the United States has a "moral obligation" to help this isolated Southeast Asian nation heal and vowed to reinvigorate relations with a country with rising strategic importance to the U.S. Making the first visit for a sitting U.S. president, Obama said too few Americans know of the United States' covert bombing of Laos during the Vietnam War. He offered no apologies, calling the campaign and its aftermath reminders that "whatever the cause, whatever our intentions, war inflicts a terrible toll." "Given our history here, I believe that the United States has a moral obligation to help Laos heal," Obama said, as he addressed an audience of more than 1,000 students, business people and officials. For nine years, the U.S. conducted a punishing, covert bombing campaign on landlocked Laos in an effort to cut off communist forces in neighboring Vietnam. The bombardment dropped more than 2 million tons of ordnance on the small nation, more than "we dropped on Germany and Japan, combined, in all of World War II," Obama said. The bombing left behind deep scars, millions of unexploded cluster bombs across the countryside and decades-worth of cleanup. Obama is one of several world leaders arriving for a meeting of the Association of Southeast Asian Nations. Taking its turn as the chair of the regional forum, the Laos' communist government is seizing a rare moment in the spotlight. For Obama, the visit serves as a capstone to his years long effort to bolster relations with Southeast Asian countries long overlooked by the United States. The outreach is a core element of Obama's attempt to shift U.S. diplomatic and military resources away from the Middle East and into Asia in order to counter China's dominance in the region and ensure a foothold in growing markets. Obama's project — dubbed his Asia pivot — has yielded uneven results, as conflict in the Middle East has continued to demand attention and China has bristled at what it views as meddling in its backyard. "We believe that bigger nations should not dictate to smaller nations and that all nations should play by the same rules," he said. As a first sign of a new relationship with Laos, Obama said his administration would address the legacy of war. Obama announced he would double spending for unexploded ordnance — committing $90 million over the three years. The U.S. has contributed $100 million to the effort in the last 20 years, as annual deaths have fallen from more than 300 to fewer than 50, the White House said. The Lao government said it would increase efforts to recover remains and account for Americans missing since the Vietnam War. As he opened a day of ceremony and diplomacy, Obama was greeted by a military band, traditional dancers and a warm, tropical rain. He met with Lao President Bounnhang Vorachit, was feted at a welcome banqueted, where he toasted to a relationship he said would "mean greater progress and opportunity for the people of Laos." Obama's outreach to those regional powers hit a snag just as he arrived in the region from China. The White House called off a planned meeting Tuesday with Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, after the brash new leader referred to Obama as a "son of a b****." Duterte, who had been expecting Obama to criticize his deadly, extrajudicial crackdown on drug dealers, later said he regretted the personal attack on the president. The sailors in the honour guard are clearly struggling to hold back the giggles. So, what's the joke? Did Obama say something histerical? Is this a repeat of the life of Brian? Private Tye has been reliably informed that the sailors were told two jokes. One was that the President of America's number one lapdog state had just called Obama a “son of a whore”. The other does not translate from Chinese, but has something to do with Obama coming out of the back end of a very big plane. The sailors were also told that anyone who laughed during Obama's walk-past, would face summary execution. After China, Obama will be going to Laos, but he will not be going to Thailand because it's not a democracy. The story from the Washington Times: On President Obama’s final trip to Asia, his lame-duck status is showing. Mr. Obama, who arrived in Laos late Monday night to become the first U.S. president ever to visit the Southeast Asian country, is encountering more than his usual share of friction and confrontation on his 10th trip to the region. It started with his arrival at the airport in China, where Chinese officials failed to provide a portable staircase for Mr. Obama to disembark from the upper door of Air Force One with the typical grandiose visibility befitting a visiting head of state. Instead, the president emerged from a smaller staircase in the belly of the aircraft, and many saw it as a deliberate sign of disrespect by the Chinese. In Laos Mr. Obama was to hold his first meeting with new Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, but the White House canceled it after the Philippine leader called Mr. Obama a “son of a whore” Monday. At a news conference before flying to Laos, Mr. Duterte angrily rejected warnings by U.S. officials that Mr. Obama would confront Mr. Duterte about his country’s extrajudicial killings of drug dealers. “You must be respectful,” Mr. Duterte said of Mr. Obama. “Do not just throw away questions and statements. Son of a whore, I will curse you in that forum. We will be wallowing in the mud like pigs if you do that to me.” Mr. Duterte was due to hold a bilateral meeting with Mr. Obama on Tuesday afternoon on the sidelines of the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) summit in Vientiane, the capital of Laos. But shortly after Mr. Duterte spoke, Mr. Obama raised doubts that he would meet with him. There is now Indisputable photographic evidence that Godzilla was responsible for the bits missing from the MahaNakhon building. There are also lots of eye-witnesses and a email sent to Hillary Clinton (via Moscow) in which Godzilla claims responsibility. United States Navy Seals were able to trace Godzilla's IP Address to a Moo Bahn (Gated Community) in Chiang Mai. On Wednesday morning they mounted a raid on the hideout. They found that Godzilla had disguised himself as a garden ornament and immediately shot him dead. His body was dumped in the Gulf of Thailand, in case anyone doubted that he really existed. The BMA (Bangkok Metropolitan Authority) has now issued a thousand page report on the incident. Most of this (99.9%) has been redacted for reasons of National Security. However, the first sentence “On the morning of August 30, Godzilla ate two large sections of the MahaNakhon building.” and the last two sentences “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” remain visible (apparently the redactor's felt marker ran out of ink). The report was immediately challenged by conspiracy theorists calling themselves “Zoologists, Architects and Engineers for MahaNakhon Truth”. They claim that giant lizards no longer exist and, even if they did, they could not chew out a large section of a 77 story steel high-rise.
The conspiracy theorist fail to take into account the dozens of eye-witnesses. These can be heard on a new Documentary prepared by Private Tye and the BBC. The interview with Prasit Pedestrianalai is typical: Private Tye: Did you see Godzilla on Tuesday morning? Prasit: What? Who? Private Tye: Godzilla. Prasit (who has now noticed the BBC reporter waving 1,000 baht notes in the air): Oh yes, Godzilla. Private Tye: Was he going towards MahaNakhon? Prasit: Yes, that's right. Going towards the MahaNakhon building. Definitely Godzilla, no doubt about it. The BBC documentary concludes that after six days, conspiracy theorists continue to disbelieve the official account even though they have no evidence against it. STOP PRESS. Private Tye has just learned that the owners of MahaNakhon may have invited Godzilla to visit, because they wanted the building “wrapped by a dragon”. Here is the story from Khaosod: BANGKOK — Afraid of ghosts? Bangkok’s new tallest building may have gone up next to a cemetery, but a top executive of the company which owns the building insists the spirits are on their side. The 77-story Mahanakorn near lower Silom Road is next to an old Hokkien Chinese Christian cemetery, but the company’s managing director, Kipson Beck, said at the building’s opening party that possible concerns about poltergeists – a genuine fear in Thailand – were sorted out in advace. “We debated early. We originally mentioned that this might be a question,” said Beck, insisting the issue has not stopped anyone from buying one of the 209 luxury condominiums comprising the Ritz-Carlton Residences. In fact, more than 70 percent of the units, which start at a price point that may give the spirits pause – 45 million baht. “According to our spiritual advisors, the spirits are strong, very powerful. They can be powerful to help us,” Beck said. He assured that developer Pace, which owns the mixed-used building, organized Buddhist, Christian and Brahmin ceremonies to ensure the spirits will be on their side. The cemetery is just behind the project to the north on Soi Silom 9. Beck added a feng shui note that while some see MahaNakhon’s architectural design being incomplete, others see a it wrapped by a dragon, which generates positive energy. You think Cambodian Immigration police are uneducated, ignorant imbeciles? Think again, they just caught a witch. It was a case of brilliant detective work worthy of Sherlock Holmes.
Most investigators spend time gathering evidence, but not Major General Heisela. He identified Marga Bujosa Segado as a witch, just by means of logical inference. As Maj. Gen. Heisela points out “Everybody knows the Spanish practice magic”. From there, the deduction was easy: Segado is a Spaniard, therefore, Segado is a witch. A classical interpretation of the Aristotelian syllogism. The witch was sent back to Spain after a good kicking, she is lucky she did not get the ducking stool. Below is the actual report from The Cambodia Daily, 1 September 2016. We are not making this up, even Private Tye could not invent this stuff. Deported Researcher Claims Officials Beat Her by Sek Odom and George Wright A Spanish researcher and activist who was deported from Cambodia last month for her involvement in a series of protests claimed this week that immigration officials filmed her being beaten while in custody before her departure. The senior immigration official who oversaw her deportation refuted the accusation and branded her a drug user and sorceress. Marga Bujosa Segado, 38, was arrested in Phnom Penh on August 16 while demonstrating for the release of Boeng Kak community activists Tep Vanny and Bov Sophea, who were detained during a “Black Monday” protest calling for a full investigation into the murder of political analyst Kem Ley. Released that evening, Ms. Bujosa Segado—a doctoral candidate at the University of Granada who lived in the Boeng Kak neighborhood—was told to go and collect her passport at the immigration department’s headquarters the next morning. Upon arriving, she was arrested, held in a detention cell and later put on a plane to Spain. In a letter to The Cambodia Daily on Tuesday, the academic said that while in custody before her deportation, she was kicked in the stomach and torso by subordinates of Uk Heisela, chief of investigations at the immigration department. “The immigration officer who was aggressive toward me the day before kicked me in the stomach on three occasions, while a second one kicked me in the torso once. Another five immigration officers were inside the cell, one of them shooting a video of the battering,” she said. Ms. Bujosa Segado also said that when immigration officers finally returned her mobile phone, moments before she stepped on the plane, all of its photographs had been deleted. Major General Heisela on Wednesday said the Spaniard’s allegations of abuse were a lie, which he chalked up to narcotics abuse. “If we had really kicked her, she would be dead—please, look at her body. She tried to use martial arts on us,” he said. “She is…a drug user. When we were writing a report [about her detention], she was taking pictures and did not agree to sign the paper,” he added. “She acted coarse and gave the middle finger to us.” As for the deleted photos, Maj. Gen. Heisela said they were deleted for the safety of his officers. “We suggested that she delete the photos herself, but she refused. We were worried she might be a sorcerer and then take photos to do black magic on our stomachs,” he said. “Everyone knows the Spanish practice magic,” he said. “They can fly on brooms.” Reached for a response, Ms. Segado denied using drugs, martial arts or black magic and said the general’s defense was absurd. “I think the one on drugs is him. I mean, it is just ridiculous,” she said. The newest and tallest addition to Bangkok's skyline caused panic among city commuters when it was noticed that two sections of the building were missing. Passengers at BTS Chong Nonsi fled the station screaming. An eye witness described the scene: “one passenger happened to look in the direction of the MahaNakhon tower and cried out “that can not possibly stand up, its going to fall over and bury us all” then everybody charged to the exits as fast as they could” There are two missing bits, one at the top and one in the middle. Its the middle bit that worries commuters. One Bangkok commuter, Mr Choke Ironlung, told Private Tye that the middle bit looked just like the sloping cut that loggers make in a tree. I expect that, sometime soon, the top bit will just slide off the bottom bit, he continued. There is considerable confusion about when the missing bits disappeared. Some think that they disappeared after the building was completed on Monday, while others claim the bits were stolen during construction. The fact is, that nobody ever looked at the building until it was completed. Nobody ever looks up in Bangkok, everybody is playing with facebook all the time. The residents of Diamond Tower, which has a clear view of MahaNakhon, are convinced that the disappeared bits is the work of Al-Qaeda. “If it was not for the missing bits, the building would look just like a tower from the World Trade Center” said Freddy Fogey, a long time resident of the Diamond Tower. [Editor's note: Built in 1985, Diamond Tower is Bangkok's oldest luxury apartments (they boasted marble floors in all their units, which later turned out to be linoleum) the residents are now all over 70 years old, senile, and can not see beyond their mobile phones]. According to Sillyrat Lunaticalai, President of the Bangkok Martian and Aliens Society (BMA) the missing bits are the result of Alien abductions. “Everybody saw weird lights coming out of the missing bits on Monday night. These were alien teleportation beams”, she told Private Tye. “Alien abductions are common, but in this case they took bits of the building as well. Probably because they wanted a big catch.” she explained. The Pokemon police are convinced that the missing bits are a result of a giant Pokemon taking a couple of bites out of it. “Obviously it is Tyranitar, which is like Godzilla”, we were told by a Pokemon Police spokesman. They promised to catch it soon. The other BMA (Bangkok Metropolitan Authority) had a completely different take on the matter. Their spokesman said the bits had gone missing before they reached the construction site. “Its normal in Bangkok construction projects for 50% of the materials to go missing”, he explained. “Usually, the missing bits are from all over the building. A post from the ground floor, a beam from the second floor, a section of floor from the third floor etc. The only unusual thing about the MahaNakhon case is that the missing bits were all from the same area. We'll look for them, of course, but they are probably already gone over the border with Laos. The Lao farmers will be using them to make pig pens, chicken coops and similar things”. STOP PRESS. Private Tye has just heard from the MahaNakhon's German architect. He told us that there was nothing missing and that the MahaNakhon is meant to look that way. “Its meant to look as though its about to fall down on top of you” he explained, “that way people will notice it, and it will make them feel uneasy, get a sense of vertigo, feel a bit giddy and then they will wet themselves and throw up on the pavement. That's why the developers commissioned it, they wanted a high rise that nobody could ignore”. He continued, “For my own part I see it as a symbol of the giant Ponzi scheme that is now the world economy. Especially the huge bubble of city center property prices. For example, the British are now selling their small embassy compound for half a billion dollars (to cover the cost of BREXIT), this is absolutely absurd. Property prices will soon come crashing down. The MahaNakon symbolizes the funny money it is built with and the imminent financial collapse”. However, physically he thinks the building is sound “It was built by workers from the Todt Organisation and has been designed to withstand RAF bombs and Russian Artillery. It will continue to stand, looking as though it is about to fall down, long after the other high rise buildings in Bangkok have, in fact, fallen down”. |
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