Worst heat wave ever, no water, air unbreathable due to smog? Cheer up! Pandora has just got back from a shopping spree in Singapore. So, if you are a villager (standing in line with a bucket waiting to get water from a stand pipe because there is no longer a water supply to your house) get out your phone and go to Pandora's Instagram page. She has just got back from Singapore with a birthday present for herself – a big pile of “Hermes” boxes worth more than a million baht. You don't know who “Pandora” is? It does not matter, she is a Thai model and Channel 7 soap opera star, and these bimbos are just the same the world over. So, what's in Pandora's boxes? Private Tye got a peek.
First box: Ten dried up lakes.
Second box: 100,000 people with lung cancer caused by smog.
Third box: Hundreds of thousands of dead forest trees
Fourth box: An elephant dead from heat exhaustion
Fifth box: Hundreds of dried up reservoirs
Sixth box: Millions of dead fish.
Seventh box: Ten dried up rivers
Eighth box: Thousands of dead bats
Ninth box: Millions of dead fruit trees.
No, we were just joking, Pandora brought back Hermes handbags. And this is just what we need in a time of National emergency. We might have to queue up to get water but, as Pandora says, there is no need to look bad when you are doing it. We can all agree that she deserves her present. All that hard work standing in front of a camera and remembering lines. (Oh, wait a minute, she works in Thai soap operas so she does not have to remember lines, after 5 minutes shooting the cameraman falls asleep and the director goes out for a massage. So, the actors can say whatever they like, nobody notices because the screenplay was written by a 500 baht a day hack with a hangover and makes no sense whatsoever.)
Still, its a great achievement, and it looks like Pandora will get the coveted “Bagger of the Year” award from Thailand's Ministry of Handbags. The Minister of Handbags told our reporter that handbag heroes are needed more than ever because Thailand's handbag population is now in decline. He explained the difficulty, this is serious because we need to import more handbags but imports have to be balanced by exports. There is a problem because with all the reservoirs and lakes empty, 2016 will be the last year that Thailand exports maize and rice. From 2017 we will have to import maize, rice and handbags. Our reporter was somewhat alarmed and asked what could be done. The answer lies in cement, we were told, Thailand is the world's second largest cement exporter, exporting over 13 million tons. And, the Minister explained gleefully, it takes just 60 tons of exported cement to cover the cost of one Hermes handbag. So the solution is clear, the Thai cement companies will pulverize Thailand mountains and turn them into cement for export. The money generated by this will find its way into the hands of empty headed actresses and the fat wives of crony capitalists. They will go abroad on shopping sprees and bring back the urgently needed handbags.
Expect more from Pandora soon. She is making a documentary “Afternoon of the living brain-dead” about how she made herself appealing to millions of viewers who's brain waves do not register on an electroencephalogram. Pandora also features in a companion documentary “Drooling means they're happy” about how channel 7 technicians measure audience engagement based on the amount of drool coming out of the side of a viewer's mouth.