Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Abbey Shito and I am the Shogun of Nippon. It is my job is to defend japan from the Chinese and take back Nanking.
Recently, General Electric paid my wife and I to visit Fukushima and declare the place completely safe. Soon after, I noticed that my hair was falling out and my wife gave birth to a two headed baby. Can anything be done?
Dear Abbey, Don't worry about the baby, these happen now and then and are perfectly natural. Look on the bright side, we have a saying in England “Two heads are better than one”. I need to point out that your hair loss and the baby have nothing to do with radiation, GM foods, or pesticides, herbicides and fungicides in food supply. Your hair loss is a result of Terminal Dandruff and there is no cure. Your scalp will become intolerably itchy and all your beautiful hair will fall out. Without that hair you will be unable to continue as Prime Minister. Better to end it all now, the honorable way, by committing Seppuku. If you can not do this yourself, give me a call and I'll be round with my sharpest scalpel – we'll have those bowels out in no time.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Banky Loon and I am the most important person in the entire world. It is my job to defend UN Peace-keepers from everybody else and to make sure that they do not injure themselves when running away from conflicts. My problem is that I have developed an uncontrollable urge to roll over on my back to let the US Ambassador to the UN tickle my belly. Is there anything that can be done about this?
Dear Mr Loon, It seems that you were born without a spine. This causes a condition which we Doctors call lapus dogus. It means that you will always follow the most powerful people around and delight in performing tricks for them. Like all lapdogs you have grown old and your owners have become bored with you. You need to be put down. Come to my surgery and I'll put you out of your misery.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Petro Willy-Wonka and I am the richest man in the Ukraine. It is my job to protect the Ukraine from anybody that speaks Russian. Recently, I went to visit some Right Sector troops that were using a 175 mm artillery piece to blow up senior citizens in Donetsk. During my inspection I got my head stuck down the barrel of this weapon, how do I get it out?
Dear Petro, Do not worry, this will do no damage to the artillery piece. In fact, it is routine practice to stop up the barrel with a lump of grease to prevent it from rusting. There should be a button marked “fire” (but it is probably in Russian) get one of your toadies to press this. It will clear the barrel immediately. But make sure the troops are standing well back, you do not want them to get splattered in rancid lard.