Dear Dr Shipman,
My name is Sillery Clint and I am the most democratic person in the world. I have mad flashing eyes that scare the hell out of anybody standing near me. What should I do?
Dear Sillery, no need to worry, mad flashing eyes are normal for a psychopathic megalomaniac like yourself. I once saw a film of you having a good giggle while watching your mobile phone video of Gaddafi being torn apart. I knew immediately that we have a lot in common.
I'll send you some pills, swallow a couple of handfuls, they will made you relax completely, forever.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Trump That, and I am the most patriotic man on the planet. I'm feeling all bunged up, is there anything that can be done?
Dear Trump, You might not be aware, but in English the word “Trump” means “flatulence” or a “fart” https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/trump#English. Strange that John Oliver (who is supposed to be English) never pointed that out, despite the fact that 15 minutes of his last show was devoted to the word “Trump”.
Let me explain about flatulence. It is normal for the body to build up noxious gases and for these to be expelled through the anus by means of a “fart” or “trump”. Rather paradoxically, your problem is that you do not trump properly. There must be some blockage in your rectal cavity. So, the gases build up in your body. This explains your swollen and florid appearance. Also, when these noxious emanations are expelled they come out from your mouth and not your anus. The normal way to solve this problem is with an anus transplant. However, in your case a transplanted anus would, undoubtedly, reject you.
So, the only option is to try to remove the blockage. A very hard blow to the stomach might do this. I suggest you take a leap off the top of Trump tower, but make sure that you land on your belly when you hit the ground.