Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Sarah Purloin and I am the most beautiful woman in Alaska. I have the important job of defending Alaska from an invasion by the Persians. I am having a problem getting my false eyelashes and mascara on. Its difficult to get the brushes and tweezers behind the lenses of my glasses and if I take them off I can not see anything at all. Can you help?
Dear Sarah, The scientific name for your problem is bimbous ignoramus. Fortunately, there is an easy cure. You simply have your head removed, what we Doctors call "amputation from the neck up". With our head off you'll look better and think more clearly than you do at present. Give me a call and I'll be round, I'll have that ugly growth off in a jiffy.