Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Sarah Purloin and I am the most beautiful woman in Alaska. I have the important job of defending Alaska from an invasion by the Persians. I am having a problem getting my false eyelashes and mascara on. Its difficult to get the brushes and tweezers behind the lenses of my glasses and if I take them off I can not see anything at all. Can you help?
Dear Sarah, The scientific name for your problem is bimbous ignoramus. Fortunately, there is an easy cure. You simply have your head removed, what we Doctors call "amputation from the neck up". With our head off you'll look better and think more clearly than you do at present. Give me a call and I'll be round, I'll have that ugly growth off in a jiffy.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is John Chilblain, I am a US senator and I have an important job defending America from the Soviet Union. Sometimes I repeat myself and sometimes I can not remember how to finish a sentence. I often get lost and do not know where I am. Can you help?
Dear John, we Doctors call this "senility" and it is very common in Washington. Fortunately, there is a simple procedure which cures this completely. Its called "Euthanasia". This is quite painless and can be completed in a few minutes. I have performed this operation hundreds of times and nobody has ever complained. I can visit you at home, so just call for an appointment and I'll be round to fix you.