Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Abbey Shito and I am the Shogun of Nippon. It is my job is to defend japan from the Chinese and take back Nanking.
Recently, General Electric paid my wife and I to visit Fukushima and declare the place completely safe. Soon after, I noticed that my hair was falling out and my wife gave birth to a two headed baby. Can anything be done?
Dear Abbey, Don't worry about the baby, these happen now and then and are perfectly natural. Look on the bright side, we have a saying in England “Two heads are better than one”. I need to point out that your hair loss and the baby have nothing to do with radiation, GM foods, or pesticides, herbicides and fungicides in food supply. Your hair loss is a result of Terminal Dandruff and there is no cure. Your scalp will become intolerably itchy and all your beautiful hair will fall out. Without that hair you will be unable to continue as Prime Minister. Better to end it all now, the honorable way, by committing Seppuku. If you can not do this yourself, give me a call and I'll be round with my sharpest scalpel – we'll have those bowels out in no time.