How a Thai tree grows

A sapling seller

Some of you may have noticed very large plants sticking out of the ground near your shopping complex. These plants are called “trees” and we are going to tell you how they grow.


A tree begins life as a seed in a pod found by a sapling grower. The seed is taken out of the pod by the sapling grower who puts it in a plastic bag full of good soil and Monsanto fertilizer. The bag is watered and placed in the shade. Soon the seed grows into a sapling which is about 50 cm high, it is now ready to begin the first of it journeys.

The sapling is sold to a group of beneficent environmentalists from town who have hired a mini-van to go out into the country. After stopping for a nice lunch they arrive at the tree planting place and take some selfies. Then, they get a spade, and some Monsanto fertilizer, and plant a couple saplings (and take more selfies). Then, its off to the refreshments tent and a few more selfies. Sometimes, if they belong to a really good organisation, they will have a photographer who takes the selfies for them and gets them published in the Bangkok Pest. They all feel happy that they have had a nice day in the country and saved the planet at the same time. Then its back to town with a stop for a nice dinner on the way. The selfies that are not published in the Pest can be posted on facebook to show everybody what wonderful people they are to care so much for the environment.


Thing is, if the trees are planted in the dry season they will soon die from lack of water. If they are planted in the rainy season they will soon be covered in ivy which will choke them to death. Strange that you never seen any selfies of townies going back to water, or remove the ivy from, the trees they have planted. That's because they don't do it, and so, all the sampling die. Never mind, a new group of beneficent townies will soon be on their way and the sapling vendors will sell them a new set of trees to plant in the place the old ones that died. Of course, these will also die. However, occasionally, one in a thousand of these saplings survives and grows into a mature tree. It is then ready to make its second journey

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A tree market

Once mature, the tree will soon be spotted by a tree marketer. This kind soul will rescue the tree from the ground. He sends his giant earth mover and flat-bed. Up comes the tree, onto the flat bed, and off the the tree market. At the tree market, trees stand in line, living off water and Monsanto fertilizer, waiting for a buyer. Sometimes they have to stand here for years but eventually a friendly shopping complex owner will come to visit and, if the tree is a pretty one, it will get bought and start off on its next journey.

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Back onto the flat-bed and off to the shopping complex where a nice hole, full of Monsanto fertilizer, is waiting for it. Into the hole, a few bits of wood to prop it up, and job is done. The tree has fulfilled it destiny which is to cast shade over parked cars and shoppers. Eventually, the the tree will produce seed pods which will drop on the floor of the car park. Some of these will be picked up by wealthy sapling growers on their way home after buying some fashionable Timberland clothes.

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