The books in Oxford’s ancient Bodleian library are all to be burnt because they are politically incorrect and the texts contain gender insensitive words. The Oxford Chancellor, Chris Patton, said that they “had hoped to weed out the offensive books but found that almost all of them were offensive to somebody or other, so we are just going to burn them all”.
Oxford’s move into the politically correct 21st century started last year when the University began replacing the portraits of the old white men that built the University with pictures of gays, females and blacks who have little or no connection to the place.
Inspiration for the Oxford reforms has come from, that most prestigious of all learning institutions, the University of Hull. In Hull lecturers are pleased to publicize the fact that they mark students down for using words like “mankind” or “man-made”.
The problem has been that student essays, dissertations and PhD theses are all copied out in the University library where the books are full of these politically incorrect terms. “We really cannot expect students to change words like Chairman to Chairperson when copying out their dissertations. It would be too much work, and most of them do not have the intellectual ability to make these changes.” said Patton, adding “Oh shit! I just used the word Chairman.”
We asked Patton how the students will produce written work when they have no library books to plagiarize. “Its simple” said Patton “they will just use the American system. American students have never had the time to go to the library. They are too busy playing football, getting drunk and date raping college girls. Oh sorry, that is sexist, what I meant to say is: they are too busy learning to become cheerleaders, getting drunk and having sex with their Professors”. So, Americans have always had their essays and dissertations ghosted”. Our students can do the same”.
“With Internet technology this is easy.” continued Patton, “You just sign up to a freelancing platform (like Upwork) describe the dissertation you want written and you’ll have hundreds of freelancers offering to do the job for you. Most of these are housewives in Pakistan. We all know that the ability of a Pakistani housewife to write good English and understand science and the arts is far superior to that of an Oxford student. Not only this, they will work for a pittance. They are the sweat shop slaves of Academia, the American University system could not function without them.”
We thought that some of the Professors might be disappointed about the destruction of the library, so we talked to William “Woolly” Braindead, Oxford’s Emeritus Professor of Preherstoric Herstory. However, Prof Braindead was very enthusiastic “It gives us the opportunity to write a completely new, politically correct, herstory of the world. Did you know that Moses was a woman, and that Helen of Troy was black?”, he giggled, “then you will just have to buy my new book, when I’ve finished having it ghosted.”
The question remains about what to do with the Bodleian buildings, especially the Radcliffe Camera. As they were built by white men, there is a consensus that they should be torn down and replaced by a modern glass and steel building. The new building will contain 500 Kindle readers which will be permanently locked to the Politically Correct Newspeak Dictionary and to Upwork.
The new Oxford will be a place where students can explore gender issues and learn to fulfill themselves as androgynous entities. People who want to find a cure for cancer or invent a more efficient solar cell should go somewhere else.
One wonders about the future of Chris Patton. He is a white man, married with three children and rumored to be a practicing heterosexual. Surely, it is just a matter of time before he is replaced by somebody who is more politically correct.