It all started on Wednesday the 13th at Mai Chang during Songkran. (Songkran is a festival during which people throw water at each other using red plastic toilet bowls given to them by a billionaire living in Dubai). An unidentified white man got throughly drenched with a bowl of water taken from the moat, so he took off his wet shirt. Police, on the lookout for anybody having a good time, immediately recognized this as a case of Moat Fever. The man was immediately taken to Police Headquarters where he was treated with a hundred baht fine and then released. However, this was just the start of the outbreak. On the 14th four Shans from Burma were found with Moat Fever. They were take to police HQ and given the stronger treatment of a 500 baht fine. Local police said they now have the situation under control.
STOP PRESS. Reports are now coming in that Moat Fever has spread throughout the country. Bare chested men have been seen in hotel swimming pools in the capital. There are, apparently, hundreds of half naked blokes walking up and down beaches throughout the land, and thousands of semi-nude white men are lying on the sand on Ko Farang. Private Tye contacted Phoophan Plod of the “Say no to nipples” squad. He admitted that Moat Fever has now reached epidemic proportions and that the police would not be able examine all the victims. We'll have to use a triage system, he told us. So who will be given priority? we asked. We'll start by grabbing the young boys, he said, especially cute ones with nice abs and a cheeky smile.
Private Tye advises all good and prudish citizen to stay indoors and make sure your shirt is properly buttoned up. Under no circumstances should you allow your boys to leave the home unless they are wearing a bra.