Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Arnt Aye So Twee and I am the most wonderful person in Myanmar. My job is to defend Burma against the Rohingya. Recently, I have started to look like a wicked old hag. Is there a treatment for this?
Dear Arnt Aye, it is obvious that you have Dorian Gray Syndrome. This is caused by pretending to be a humanist while turning a blind eye to genocide. You will find that children are horrified at the sight of you. Then, adults will start to turn away when you come near. Finally, you will even scare away the multi-national industrialists and bankers that want to buy Burma from you. But there is a solution. You remember the story of Sleeping Beauty? She never aged when she was asleep. Drop round to my surgery any time, and I will be happy to put you to sleep.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Barak O'bummer and I am the two hundred and sixty-fourth most important person in the Whitehouse. I have the vital job of defending the Oval Office from termites. Yesterday I hit my thumb with an hammer and it turned black. What should I do?
Dear Barak, Most Doctors would recommend removal of the thumb by amputation. However, tomorrow you would, most likely, hit your forefinger with a hammer, so that would also have to be removed. Then your digitus III, would have to go, and so on. Why endure this endless suffering? For you, like most of my patients, I recommend euthanasia. Its the best and final solution.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is David Macaroon and I am the most famous person in England. I have the important job of defending the UK against invasion by the Mongol hoards from North Korea. Recently, I have noticed hair growing on my cheeks, upper lip and chin. This makes me unattractive to men (and pigs) what should I do?
Dear David, you are suffering from what we Doctors call "a beard". It will get worse. It will grow longer, turn grey, and eventually white (at which point you will find yourself being followed by children asking for presents). I have a beard myself and have become unattractive to men (and pigs), however, as most of my patients are old women this does not bother me much. In some cultures men put soap on their face and then scape a razor over it. This is called "shaving" and has to be repeated every day. It is not recommended as it causes scabs and barbers' disease. The simplest solution for you is euthanasia, this will solve your hair problem and all your other problems.
P. S. It is not true that hair continues to grow on corpses.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Kim Young'un and I am the supreme being in North Korea. It is my job to defend North Korea from British Trident submarines. Recently, my body has changed from "fat" to "completely spherical with a strange tuft of hair on top". What should I do?
Dear Young'un, I'm afraid you are suffering from "moronic obesity". This is very serious because it always comes with uncontrollable flatulence. The flatulence produces methane which is highly inflammable. So, if you go anywhere near a spark, you will turn into a rocket and be propelled into the atmosphere. When you come down, there is a good chance you will land in South Korea; and then you will spend the rest of your life being water-boarded by the Americans. I'll send you some cyanide tables, these should put you right.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Francois Allround and I am the most important person in France, my job is to defend France from invasion by the Assyrians. But I am short and bald so Americans always look down on me and tell me what to do. What can be done?
Dear Francois, you are, what we in the medical profession call, "a runt". A scalp transplant might solve the hair problem and a week on the rack would give you an extra couple of inches. However, even if you were six foot six with a great head of hair, the Americans would still look down on you and order you about. I'm afraid the only medical solution for a spineless runt like yourself is a lethal injection.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Sarah Purloin and I am the most beautiful woman in Alaska. I have the important job of defending Alaska from an invasion by the Persians. I am having a problem getting my false eyelashes and mascara on. Its difficult to get the brushes and tweezers behind the lenses of my glasses and if I take them off I can not see anything at all. Can you help?
Dear Sarah, The scientific name for your problem is bimbous ignoramus. Fortunately, there is an easy cure. You simply have your head removed, what we Doctors call "amputation from the neck up". With our head off you'll look better and think more clearly than you do at present. Give me a call and I'll be round, I'll have that ugly growth off in a jiffy.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is John Chilblain, I am a US senator and I have an important job defending America from the Soviet Union. Sometimes I repeat myself and sometimes I can not remember how to finish a sentence. I often get lost and do not know where I am. Can you help?
Dear John, we Doctors call this "senility" and it is very common in Washington. Fortunately, there is a simple procedure which cures this completely. Its called "Euthanasia". This is quite painless and can be completed in a few minutes. I have performed this operation hundreds of times and nobody has ever complained. I can visit you at home, so just call for an appointment and I'll be round to fix you.