Dear Dr Shipman,
My name is Sillery Clint and I am the most democratic person in the world. I have mad flashing eyes that scare the hell out of anybody standing near me. What should I do?
Dear Sillery, no need to worry, mad flashing eyes are normal for a psychopathic megalomaniac like yourself. I once saw a film of you having a good giggle while watching your mobile phone video of Gaddafi being torn apart. I knew immediately that we have a lot in common.
I'll send you some pills, swallow a couple of handfuls, they will made you relax completely, forever.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Trump That, and I am the most patriotic man on the planet. I'm feeling all bunged up, is there anything that can be done?
Dear Trump, You might not be aware, but in English the word “Trump” means “flatulence” or a “fart” https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/trump#English. Strange that John Oliver (who is supposed to be English) never pointed that out, despite the fact that 15 minutes of his last show was devoted to the word “Trump”.
Let me explain about flatulence. It is normal for the body to build up noxious gases and for these to be expelled through the anus by means of a “fart” or “trump”. Rather paradoxically, your problem is that you do not trump properly. There must be some blockage in your rectal cavity. So, the gases build up in your body. This explains your swollen and florid appearance. Also, when these noxious emanations are expelled they come out from your mouth and not your anus. The normal way to solve this problem is with an anus transplant. However, in your case a transplanted anus would, undoubtedly, reject you.
So, the only option is to try to remove the blockage. A very hard blow to the stomach might do this. I suggest you take a leap off the top of Trump tower, but make sure that you land on your belly when you hit the ground.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Abbey Shito and I am the Shogun of Nippon. It is my job is to defend japan from the Chinese and take back Nanking.
Recently, General Electric paid my wife and I to visit Fukushima and declare the place completely safe. Soon after, I noticed that my hair was falling out and my wife gave birth to a two headed baby. Can anything be done?
Dear Abbey, Don't worry about the baby, these happen now and then and are perfectly natural. Look on the bright side, we have a saying in England “Two heads are better than one”. I need to point out that your hair loss and the baby have nothing to do with radiation, GM foods, or pesticides, herbicides and fungicides in food supply. Your hair loss is a result of Terminal Dandruff and there is no cure. Your scalp will become intolerably itchy and all your beautiful hair will fall out. Without that hair you will be unable to continue as Prime Minister. Better to end it all now, the honorable way, by committing Seppuku. If you can not do this yourself, give me a call and I'll be round with my sharpest scalpel – we'll have those bowels out in no time.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Banky Loon and I am the most important person in the entire world. It is my job to defend UN Peace-keepers from everybody else and to make sure that they do not injure themselves when running away from conflicts. My problem is that I have developed an uncontrollable urge to roll over on my back to let the US Ambassador to the UN tickle my belly. Is there anything that can be done about this?
Dear Mr Loon, It seems that you were born without a spine. This causes a condition which we Doctors call lapus dogus. It means that you will always follow the most powerful people around and delight in performing tricks for them. Like all lapdogs you have grown old and your owners have become bored with you. You need to be put down. Come to my surgery and I'll put you out of your misery.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Petro Willy-Wonka and I am the richest man in the Ukraine. It is my job to protect the Ukraine from anybody that speaks Russian. Recently, I went to visit some Right Sector troops that were using a 175 mm artillery piece to blow up senior citizens in Donetsk. During my inspection I got my head stuck down the barrel of this weapon, how do I get it out?
Dear Petro, Do not worry, this will do no damage to the artillery piece. In fact, it is routine practice to stop up the barrel with a lump of grease to prevent it from rusting. There should be a button marked “fire” (but it is probably in Russian) get one of your toadies to press this. It will clear the barrel immediately. But make sure the troops are standing well back, you do not want them to get splattered in rancid lard.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Arnt Aye So Twee and I am the most wonderful person in Myanmar. My job is to defend Burma against the Rohingya. Recently, I have started to look like a wicked old hag. Is there a treatment for this?
Dear Arnt Aye, it is obvious that you have Dorian Gray Syndrome. This is caused by pretending to be a humanist while turning a blind eye to genocide. You will find that children are horrified at the sight of you. Then, adults will start to turn away when you come near. Finally, you will even scare away the multi-national industrialists and bankers that want to buy Burma from you. But there is a solution. You remember the story of Sleeping Beauty? She never aged when she was asleep. Drop round to my surgery any time, and I will be happy to put you to sleep.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Barak O'bummer and I am the two hundred and sixty-fourth most important person in the Whitehouse. I have the vital job of defending the Oval Office from termites. Yesterday I hit my thumb with an hammer and it turned black. What should I do?
Dear Barak, Most Doctors would recommend removal of the thumb by amputation. However, tomorrow you would, most likely, hit your forefinger with a hammer, so that would also have to be removed. Then your digitus III, would have to go, and so on. Why endure this endless suffering? For you, like most of my patients, I recommend euthanasia. Its the best and final solution.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is David Macaroon and I am the most famous person in England. I have the important job of defending the UK against invasion by the Mongol hoards from North Korea. Recently, I have noticed hair growing on my cheeks, upper lip and chin. This makes me unattractive to men (and pigs) what should I do?
Dear David, you are suffering from what we Doctors call "a beard". It will get worse. It will grow longer, turn grey, and eventually white (at which point you will find yourself being followed by children asking for presents). I have a beard myself and have become unattractive to men (and pigs), however, as most of my patients are old women this does not bother me much. In some cultures men put soap on their face and then scape a razor over it. This is called "shaving" and has to be repeated every day. It is not recommended as it causes scabs and barbers' disease. The simplest solution for you is euthanasia, this will solve your hair problem and all your other problems.
P. S. It is not true that hair continues to grow on corpses.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Kim Young'un and I am the supreme being in North Korea. It is my job to defend North Korea from British Trident submarines. Recently, my body has changed from "fat" to "completely spherical with a strange tuft of hair on top". What should I do?
Dear Young'un, I'm afraid you are suffering from "moronic obesity". This is very serious because it always comes with uncontrollable flatulence. The flatulence produces methane which is highly inflammable. So, if you go anywhere near a spark, you will turn into a rocket and be propelled into the atmosphere. When you come down, there is a good chance you will land in South Korea; and then you will spend the rest of your life being water-boarded by the Americans. I'll send you some cyanide tables, these should put you right.
Dear Dr Shipman, My name is Francois Allround and I am the most important person in France, my job is to defend France from invasion by the Assyrians. But I am short and bald so Americans always look down on me and tell me what to do. What can be done?
Dear Francois, you are, what we in the medical profession call, "a runt". A scalp transplant might solve the hair problem and a week on the rack would give you an extra couple of inches. However, even if you were six foot six with a great head of hair, the Americans would still look down on you and order you about. I'm afraid the only medical solution for a spineless runt like yourself is a lethal injection.